Less-than-happy stories about "weight loss" remarks

[hch]

Something in another thread reminded me that on VF and off VF, I've read multiple stories of people being complimented over their "weight loss" that had resulted from illness, injury, stress, and other Bad Things.

I recently read these webpages too:

http://www.beautyredefined.net/when-...arm-than-good/

Our fans on Facebook also weighed in with their own experiences of hearing “You’re so skinny!” and it being exactly the wrong thing they needed to hear:

Stories follow here of well-intentioned remarks after things like illness and stress. The comments include even more stories.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/0...ing-thin/?_r=0

But what is most painful for me is the collateral damage to my daughters. When they hear that Mom is enviably thin, they hear that this is a reward, a take away for the suffering. That thin is best no matter the circumstances.

This piece was written by a woman who lost weight after one of her daughters was diagnosed with cancer. It includes her thoughts about being complimented about her weight--even in front of her ill daughter, who has a fairly direct reply. The comments include even more stories.

[bzar]

over the last several years, I've been saying "you look great!" or "you look well!"

either comment has been well received.

[Nuggie's Auntie]

Originally Posted by bzar

over the last several years, I've been saying "you look great!" or "you look well!"

either comment has been well received.

After I lost the 'baby weight ' from my second pregnancy, a friend told me I looked 'fit as a fiddle.' I loved that, because I was fit, not just thin.

[Vintage VFer]

I like to point out things I like on people. I'll comment if I like their jewelry, or if a particular lipstick color is pretty, or that their clothes are a great color for them. That never goes wrong.

[Jeanne Marie]

Originally Posted by bzar

over the last several years, I've been saying "you look great!" or "you look well!"

either comment has been well received.

Originally Posted by Vintage VFer

I like to point out things I like on people. I'll comment if I like their jewelry, or if a particular lipstick color is pretty, or that their clothes are a great color for them. That never goes wrong.

This is what I do. I never mention "weight" specifically. Having been on the receiving end of "you are too thin" comments in the past, I know that it can be hurtful on both ends of the spectrum.

It just isn't a great idea to comment on another person's size, whatever it might be.

However, I had a cashier say something to me recently that made my day. She said, "You work out, don't you?" I responded that I did indeed, and she said, "Well you look great. You're an inspiration. I just lost 75 lbs and my next goal is to look fit." That was one of the best compliments I can remember!

Stephanie, I love that... "fit as a fiddle"!!

[bzar]

Originally Posted by Jeanne Marie

However, I had a cashier say something to me recently that made my day. She said, "You work out, don't you?" I responded that I did indeed, and she said, "Well you look great. You're an inspiration. I just lost 75 lbs and my next goal is to look fit." That was one of the best compliments I can remember!

Stephanie, I love that... "fit as a fiddle"!!

I had similar occasions - some of them funny:

1) my 6-week follow up after I gave birth, my OB was feeling my tummy to make sure my fundus had shrunken down. I said "it's gushy" and the attending nurse said "I wish mine looked like yours - you have nice abs."
2) phlebotomist getting ready to take my blood donation: "Are you an athlete? Because your forearms are so toned that your veins pop out."
3) response from MD getting ready to remove a lipoma on my arm: "you don't need it" (said in response to my comment = "can you liposuck any fat you encounter?")

[lorajc]

On the other end of the spectrum, I gained 35 pounds going through menopause complicated with other difficulties......And not been able to shed it and when people see me that haven't for a long time, the look in their eyes is hurtful....As well as the comments .....Behind the scenes...Behind your back to family members and such about how much weight you've gained.

[athompson10]

Originally Posted by bzar

over the last several years, I've been saying "you look great!" or "you look well!"

either comment has been well received.

I say this too, or "you look so happy" or "you're glowing".

Weight comments are sooooo loaded. My mom got "you look great, you've lost weight!" when she was undergoing chemo for ovarian cancer. I got compliments on losing ten pounds during the five weeks that my mom was dying. In neither circumstance was the "compliment" appreciated...probably because what the outside looked like was so inconsequential compared to what was going on inside.

[deineira]

I'm not sure why people think the ultimate compliment they can give you is, "you've lost weight". Is that really the end all and be all of our entire existence? Although I exercise every day, watch what I eat, and try to maintain a reasonable weight, my physical appearance is not the thing I value most about myself, and I don't like to think that's what others think my greatest value in the world is either.

My former mother-in-law was the height of this mentality and I have two stories to share about her that I always found sad and hilarious.I didn't see her often, maybe 2x per year, and every time she saw me she always had to comment on my weight. It was usually, "oh, you've lost weight". Even if I hadn't. I once responded with, "no, I haven't. I'm just not as fat as you think I am."

One year when she came to visit, it was during a period when I had quit smoking. I probably gained a good 15-20# during that whole process, but I knew I could lose the weight more easily than I could cure myself from lung cancer or emphysema, so the choice between the two was pretty easy for me to make. When she saw me that year, she noted how much weight I had gained. I acknowledged that I had, because I had quit smoking and it was difficult for me. She said to me without batting an eye, "I'd rather smoke than gain that much weight". And I said, "I'd rather be alive than dead", and got on with my day. I always felt sorry for her because she was one of those people who did define their worth by their clothing size. She ate like a bird and saw this as a badge of honor. She's also one of the loneliest and saddest people I know. I wonder if those are related...when you're in your 70s and 80s, you've got to have something else to hang your hat on aside from your weight and thinness, and she never developed anymore depth or substance than that.

[Judy W.]

I lost almost 200 pounds a number of years ago, and have kept it off. You can be sure I heard EVERYTHING! But I have another point of view.

When people compliment my weight loss, what is their intent? Isn't it usually to indicate that they noticed? That they want to encourage me? That they are on my side? If they choose the wrong combination of words, or accidentally touch on some sensitive issue, does that change their original good intent?

I think it's time we stopped taking offense all the time. Somebody cared enough to reach out and try to encourage me! Can't I say "thank you" and go on? And isn't that healthier than storing their remark in my inner Resentment Bank?

We need to reach out to each other and walk the journey of life together! Otherwise, we are each on our own -- and THAT is scary.