I am totally disgusted with people and need to vent...

[JENILU]

i just wanted to say my heart and anger (pissed off-ness) are here for you. I love you and am so sorry people want to be so flippant bout something so important.I think during covid, we have made our little bubbles/world even bigger and just don't seem to have room to think of others and realize how important things may be to someone. People get in their little world (I have always been bad at that, and I apologize even tho this is not my scenario at all) and its only gotten worse in the last couple years.
My heart still goes out to you and your son. i am not going anywhere much but Drs appts these days, but I would be there for moral support if I could, just because. i knew him thru you- but of course didn't truly know him.
Bless you!!

[sherry7899]

Originally Posted by BunnyHop

I can relate to your struggles.

The only thing I can do is try to remember that people grieve in different ways, both in how they express it, and how much time they give it. People are also typically reluctant to express the more complex feelings they may have, so it's hard to interpret their actions in meaningful context.

My father died almost three years ago, and back then, I was so stunned at his sudden absence that I really could barely function for a long, long time. Sure, some of it was likely depression and anxiety, but another part was just that I'd shared my life with him for so long I could hardly imagine how to move through my days without our connection, our mutual goals and mundane routines. My life was all about what WE did, and what I did for him. Losing him, I lost a huge chunk of my sense of self. That was a huge jolt to my system, and figuring out how to find my own way of daily life has been a series of fits and starts. Most days I go through the motions because I know the various bits add up to something helpful and supportive, but it doesn't quite feel like my own life all the time. Learning to let go of that old sense of purpose and pick up a new one is a huge struggle for me. Still very much a work in progress.

Another thing I've noticed about other people is that beyond a certain point, they're just ready to move on and simply don't cope well with memorials. Travel is also a huge deal for some people.

This present situation in the world is hardly typical, and in some ways I'm beyond stunned at the depths of the loss I sometimes feel. My general hope is that in some way we all learn to share each other's grief with a new appreciation of the fragility of life and the oh, so brief time we are able to meaningfully connect with others in this life.

Peace to you,

Anna, I am so very sorry for the loss of your father.

[sherry7899]

Originally Posted by zraipel

This is timely, because I've really been having trouble with grief lately over the loss of my mom last October.

We were in the same kind of limbo as you, Sherry, when it came to planning the memorial. We also chose to do a Celebration of Life and did not do an immediate service/memorial. She also passed suddenly, and none of us was ready to do anything right away. We ended up having the celebration in January of this year. In some ways it felt wrong that we let so much time pass before doing anything, but in other ways, I still feel like we could have waited to plan something bigger/better. I think a lot of people wondered why we didn't do a funeral right away (and she was cremated so that timing wasn't an issue), but she wouldn't have wanted a somber setting in the local funeral home. All in all, it ended up being beautiful and many of the people closest to her were able to attend. But several people still couldn't make it because of their own Covid vulnerabilities, personal reasons, etc. We (my brother, sister and I) are no longer in touch with her brother - our uncle - anymore because of the way he and his wife dealt with the situation. Some people are only concerned with how other people can benefit them and my mom did not benefit them enough before she passed, even though she was the most unselfish person I've ever known.

I did feel a sense of relief and weight off of me - and I know my sister did as well - after the service because there had been so much apprehension about what we should do and was is right or good enough. But now, close to 1 year later, I still feel sad and/or angry every day. Some days more than others, but I've realized recently that my overall disposition has changed since she passed and I don't know how to move on past it and feel happy or unbothered by things like I used to. I don't know if it's because her death was so unexpected. It also didn't feel real for the longest time, especially because she had been in Ohio the past 2 years taking care of her parents (my grandfather passed away the year before) and sister. I think maybe it's sinking in more now that more time is passing.

Anyway, sorry to go off on a ramble. I just really want to say that grief is hard enough without having to worry about how everyone else is acting. When they act like jerks, it adds anger to the sadness in an already emotional time. I'm tired of being angry at jerks (and just random ones in my everyday life, as well, not just the ones I know) and I don't know how to keep myself from feeling anger. I guess it's part of the grieving process. But it sucks.

I'm really sorry you're going through this

Stephanie, I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. Frank never wanted a service or wake, but I know he did want a celebration of life. I am glad you could hold on for your mother. I totally understand and relate to the feelings of anger,...and it has nowhere to go. It does just suck!

[sherry7899]

Originally Posted by Gams

Ditto what Anna said. My favorite saying is “You can’t control what other people do, only your reaction to it.” I would go on with your plans and make everything the way you want and ignore these people.

When my husband died, hardly any of my family came to his celebration of life. My stepdad was dying at the time, so my mom couldn’t leave him. My dad was worried about hotel accommodations because it was being held during the National Finals Rodeo so he didn’t come. I never heard anything from my younger sister and never heard a peep from my best friend, either. The thing that bothered me most, though, was that several strangers CRASHED the celebration and helped themselves to food and sat and listened to the band. I always thought people tried to avoid funerals, but I guess if there’s food involved, that’s another story.

Gams, I am so very sorry for the lack of support that you had. That is just horrible. I also can't imagine that people crashed the celebration. There just are no words!

[sherry7899]

Originally Posted by kat999

I'm so sorry, Sherry. I echo what others have said that people deal with loss differently, sometimes they do just want to move on or grieve more privately, and again, travel is sometimes a lot to deal with in the best of times.

I think this is a very unusual time, still, and I also think personally that you're doing the right thing to postpone it (again, not trying to get controversial, but just trying to offer support).

Right as the pandemic started, a friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer and then lost her husband very, very suddenly. She recovered, thankfully, and then they did a memorial that was livestreamed. While that may feel like a poor substitute, it might be another alternative.

I'm so sorry for your loss and that people have made it seem like they don't care. They do, but people are fundamentally a bit thoughtless sometimes. It doesn't mean they don't feel the loss as well.

I really want to do something in person....for me it just feels wrong to do something livestreamed. Frank was so outgoing and funny and loved, and not being able to gather in person to honor him has been awful.

[sherry7899]

Originally Posted by Vantreesta

Sherry, I am so sorry you're dealing with this on top of your deep grief. Sadly it often happens that people (friends, extended family) move on and forget about the person who suffered the loss the most, assuming that time has passed so they're "probably doing better."

Gams, I am also sorry your family did not support you in the loss of your husband. I just don't understand people sometimes.

My mom passed away April 14, 2020 from ALS. We still have not been able to have a service for her and it weighs heavily on me. My mom was an exuberant extrovert teacher who loved deeply and fully, touching everyone she met. She had lifelong connections with kids she had taught or had in daycare and their parents. She also taught at several schools so we anticipated a very large crowd at a memorial service or celebration of life and we didn't want to have to turn anyone away due to crowd restrictions, plus several of us have to travel across country. As so much time has passed I wonder how many will show up when we finally get to have a service for her. I can only hope that any who can't make it for whatever reason have honored and grieved her in their own way. Covid has made grieving especially hard, taking away the physical presence of so many who would have supported us otherwise.

Vantreesta, I am so very sorry about your mom. I hope at some point you can hold an in person celebration of her life. She sounded like she was such a wonderful person who touched so many peolple in her life. Hugs.

[sherry7899]

Originally Posted by fanofladyvols

Oh Sherry, I'm so sorry!! I am sure this makes it even harder because know that this isn't the first, or the last, of disappointments in people you have faced or will face as you mourn Frank.

I am glad you are venting and also glad to see the excellent comments posted (like Anna's above).

The stories you have shared of Frank lead me to believe that he would be urging you on, in spite of it all. You were blessed to share that sweet light and life I wish we all could know...if only for a moment. When you have that celebration, it will be wonderful because of WHO you are celebrating

Thank you, Linda. That is what I am hoping for.

[sherry7899]

Originally Posted by athompson10

I am so sorry that people you love and count on are behaving so badly. If they can't make it and know that already, they can say "I'm so sorry I won't be there, I'll be there in spirit, how about if I...[write something for you to read, send you a photo collage, remember your husband in my own way that day by XYZ, whatever]." But to blithely dismiss the date with those sorts of excuses is tone deaf and hurtful.

People are weird about grief. In their minds your husband's passing, which is ever present for you, is in the past for them and they're thinking more about themselves and their lives. Or that's the only reason I can come up with for this behavior.

Many years ago, DH's aunt blew off a family memorial service and actually TOLD THE GRIEVING WIDOWER that she couldn't come because she was doing a wine appreciation course and the service conflicted with Session #5 of 6. Unbelievable.

wow, that excuse is on par with my friend's about celebrating her birthday the day before. I can't believe what can come out of people's mouths....

[sherry7899]

Originally Posted by Jane P.

Sherry,

I am so sorry! I do know that when I was working I had no grief leave, and had to use vacation time if I had to travel to a funeral. I only got 10 days vacation time so it was a hard decision. When I lost my Mom, the funeral director gave me a note to present to my employer to prove I really did travel to attend her funeral.

Jane, I am so sorry about your mom. I totally understand if my friend could not get time off of work to come. It was her stating that she could not come because of celebrating her own birthday the day before that really upset me.

[sherry7899]

Originally Posted by Sollamyn

This is such a difficult time in history for making any type of meaningful plan, it seems. My brother-in-law died in March 2020 and they just had a brief outdoor funeral at the cemetery. My sister and his (adult) children really wanted to do some sort of remembrance/memorial service for him at some point, but now I don't think that will ever happen. It just seems so wrong! I know this probably doesn't help to know this, but there are others who are sharing your pain. You are not alone! ((HUGS))

I hope all goes well for a celebration of your husband's life in March.

Donna

Thank you. I am so sorry about the loss of your brother in law.