Off-Topic Big Disappointment -- It Wasn't a Friendship After All

Scorpio6 · 04-24-19, 05:26 PM

Our wonderful neighbor who we were very friendly with the whole 19 years he has lived next door to us suddenly informed us 2-3 wks ago he and the new wife of Nov 2017 had bought a house in a community about 10 miles west of us, and were going to be cleaning up and then selling the house.

Since then he hasn't spoken to us and has ignored us completely altho he is at the house several times a week, doesn't even wave hello, and also ignored a text of mine where I asked for the new address bc I wanted to send a housewarming gift. The way he is acting it gives the impression that since he is moving to a better neighborhood he thinks we are not good enough to associate with or keep up any friendship with.

After knowing him for years we didn't even get an invitation to the wedding and we saw by the pics on FB it was a huge wedding w/ 5 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen. It's not like 2 more ppl w/ a nice gift would have broken the production budget for that one, esp after all the expensive vacations they went on beforehand.

We are both very disappointed and let down, disillusioned I guess, after it has become apparent that the fellow who owned the house and recently got married was just putting on a show of friendship for the sake of getting along with the neighbors, and apparently didn't consider it a friendship at all.

Maybe we are just naive, we sure feel like a couple of chumps right now. How do you tell if somebody is deceiving you about something like that? Because hubby and I were both operating under this mistaken impression.

Jenn R · 04-24-19, 06:32 PM

This sounds like a very stressful situation. Sorry to hear you are struggling with this. I wonder if the new wife is influencing your neighbor. Hopefully you get someone fantastic living in the house and you won’t miss him at all!!

Bearybuff · 04-24-19, 06:38 PM

I'm SO sorry this happened to you! Maybe, you were "friends" to him until a better "friend" came along. Cherish your friends that have proven themselves by helping you out or being there when it wasn't convenient.

Gams · 04-24-19, 06:47 PM

I think you just have to accept that he had his reasons and let it go. Several years ago I worked with a guy and we became good buddies. He met a woman and they ended up marrying and we still did a lot of things together with other friends. I was very happy for them both. I ended up moving out of town but kept in touch by phone and cards and stuff. My friend ended up passing away and I kept in touch with his wife for awhile and then one day I got a letter from her asking me not to contact her anymore because she had moved on and had decided to let her former life go. ( Another one of our friends got the same letter.) I didn’t understand, but respected her wishes and haven’t heard a peep from her since.

bzar · 04-24-19, 06:50 PM

sorry to hear about what happened. i'm at a loss for words of comfort to you.

I've noticed that neighborhoods are so different now compared to how I was brought up. for example, I only know our neighbors on either side and one across the street. even with that, people kinda keep to themselves. it's not like before where we had been in eachother's homes for parties and dinners, or just hanging out.

Scorpio6 · 04-24-19, 07:10 PM

You know, I think you could be right. Come to think of it, she NEVER comes over to help him with cleaning out the house for sale, and she never spoke to us when she came out to walk the dogs, just stayed on her phone. Because of where her parents live, I kind of got the impression she looked down on our neighborhood since it's middle class instead of expensive. I'll bet her parents put up a lot of money for the down pmt on their new house, bc we know he hasn't got it.

Scorpio6 · 04-24-19, 07:13 PM

bzar: That is a perceptive observation. I thought it was a locale-sensitive thing, but obviously this type of isolationism is going on all over the country. What a shame, so different from when we were growing up. No wonder ppl are angry all the time, lack of positive human contact. However, we had plenty of positive human contact w/ this neighbor, so something else going on w/ him. Like Jenn said above, probably the snobbish wife.

bzar · 04-24-19, 07:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scorpio6

bzar: That is a perceptive observation. I thought it was a locale-sensitive thing, but obviously this type of isolationism is going on all over the country. What a shame, so different from when we were growing up. No wonder ppl are angry all the time, lack of positive human contact. However, we had plenty of positive human contact w/ this neighbor, so something else going on w/ him. Like Jenn said above, probably the snobbish wife.

before I posted my first reply, I was thinking "am I like that dude?" because at our former address, I felt annoyed by this one woman who was very nosy, for lack of a better word. I was careful what I shared with her only because she gossiped a lot about other folks, and I worried what she would share with them about us. we only stayed friends with one of the other families after moving.

but that one woman - that was just the way she was, and she was like that to everyone. she kinda expected things from everyone (favors, information, free car repair, etc).

that might be it - what you said - that his new wife my be the influence.

Gams · 04-24-19, 07:40 PM

Without knowing more, I wouldn’t be too quick to blame the wife. He’s a big boy - for whatever reason, this is the way he wants it.

I worked with a guy once who was always bumming food off people at lunch. The women in the office felt sorry for him and would say they couldn’t believe his wife didn’t pack him a lunch every day and I would say, “But he’s 36 years old.” If a 36-year old man goes hungry because his wife didn’t pack him a lunch, well, he deserves to starve in my opinion.

Scorpio6 · 04-24-19, 08:28 PM

Gams -- her parents have a lot of money invested in this marriage, in fact, I would dare say he probably has a subsidized marriage, bc they paid for a huge extravaganza wedding plus the honeymoon which is supposed to be the groom's responsibility, but he didn't have the money for that. With them moving so quickly after the wedding (1.5 yrs) into an expensive neighborhood, and the fact the parents live in an expensive neighborhood, I'm sure they provided the down pmt. We know he doesn't have that kind of money.

Also, when he let us know at literally the last minute we were not invited to the wedding bc her parents were paying for everything, and then again when he informed us they were moving bc the wife thought they should get into a better school district (no kids yet), he acted as if it was difficult for him to say anything, as if somebody was holding a gun to his head (figuratively speaking).

So his awkwardness in speaking to us when there had never been a problem before, and him acting as if he really didn't want to move, that's what made us think the wife was behind it.

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04-24-19, 05:26 PM
Scorpio6 Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: St. Louis MO	Big Disappointment -- It Wasn't a Friendship After All Our wonderful neighbor who we were very friendly with the whole 19 years he has lived next door to us suddenly informed us 2-3 wks ago he and the new wife of Nov 2017 had bought a house in a community about 10 miles west of us, and were going to be cleaning up and then selling the house. Since then he hasn't spoken to us and has ignored us completely altho he is at the house several times a week, doesn't even wave hello, and also ignored a text of mine where I asked for the new address bc I wanted to send a housewarming gift. The way he is acting it gives the impression that since he is moving to a better neighborhood he thinks we are not good enough to associate with or keep up any friendship with. After knowing him for years we didn't even get an invitation to the wedding and we saw by the pics on FB it was a huge wedding w/ 5 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen. It's not like 2 more ppl w/ a nice gift would have broken the production budget for that one, esp after all the expensive vacations they went on beforehand. We are both very disappointed and let down, disillusioned I guess, after it has become apparent that the fellow who owned the house and recently got married was just putting on a show of friendship for the sake of getting along with the neighbors, and apparently didn't consider it a friendship at all. Maybe we are just naive, we sure feel like a couple of chumps right now. How do you tell if somebody is deceiving you about something like that? Because hubby and I were both operating under this mistaken impression.

04-24-19, 06:32 PM
Jenn R Join Date: Jun 2003	This sounds like a very stressful situation. Sorry to hear you are struggling with this. I wonder if the new wife is influencing your neighbor. Hopefully you get someone fantastic living in the house and you won’t miss him at all!!

04-24-19, 06:38 PM
Bearybuff Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: State of wonder	I'm SO sorry this happened to you! Maybe, you were "friends" to him until a better "friend" came along. Cherish your friends that have proven themselves by helping you out or being there when it wasn't convenient.

04-24-19, 06:47 PM
Gams Join Date: Mar 2007	I think you just have to accept that he had his reasons and let it go. Several years ago I worked with a guy and we became good buddies. He met a woman and they ended up marrying and we still did a lot of things together with other friends. I was very happy for them both. I ended up moving out of town but kept in touch by phone and cards and stuff. My friend ended up passing away and I kept in touch with his wife for awhile and then one day I got a letter from her asking me not to contact her anymore because she had moved on and had decided to let her former life go. ( Another one of our friends got the same letter.) I didn’t understand, but respected her wishes and haven’t heard a peep from her since.

04-24-19, 06:50 PM
bzar Exchange Moderator Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: PalmTreeVille	sorry to hear about what happened. i'm at a loss for words of comfort to you. I've noticed that neighborhoods are so different now compared to how I was brought up. for example, I only know our neighbors on either side and one across the street. even with that, people kinda keep to themselves. it's not like before where we had been in eachother's homes for parties and dinners, or just hanging out. __________________ ~jeannine Miyagi: Wax on, right hand. Wax off, left hand. Wax on, wax off. Breathe in through nose, out the mouth. Wax on, wax off. Don't forget to breathe, very important. [walks away, still making circular motions with hands] ~ Pat Morita, The Karate Kid, 1984 disclosure: in the years 2002-2004 i had a professional relationship with a distributor of fitness videos; see profile.

04-24-19, 07:10 PM
Scorpio6 Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: St. Louis MO	You know, I think you could be right. Come to think of it, she NEVER comes over to help him with cleaning out the house for sale, and she never spoke to us when she came out to walk the dogs, just stayed on her phone. Because of where her parents live, I kind of got the impression she looked down on our neighborhood since it's middle class instead of expensive. I'll bet her parents put up a lot of money for the down pmt on their new house, bc we know he hasn't got it.

04-24-19, 07:13 PM
Scorpio6 Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: St. Louis MO	bzar: That is a perceptive observation. I thought it was a locale-sensitive thing, but obviously this type of isolationism is going on all over the country. What a shame, so different from when we were growing up. No wonder ppl are angry all the time, lack of positive human contact. However, we had plenty of positive human contact w/ this neighbor, so something else going on w/ him. Like Jenn said above, probably the snobbish wife.

04-24-19, 07:40 PM
Gams Join Date: Mar 2007	Without knowing more, I wouldn’t be too quick to blame the wife. He’s a big boy - for whatever reason, this is the way he wants it. I worked with a guy once who was always bumming food off people at lunch. The women in the office felt sorry for him and would say they couldn’t believe his wife didn’t pack him a lunch every day and I would say, “But he’s 36 years old.” If a 36-year old man goes hungry because his wife didn’t pack him a lunch, well, he deserves to starve in my opinion.

04-24-19, 08:28 PM
Scorpio6 Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: St. Louis MO	Gams -- her parents have a lot of money invested in this marriage, in fact, I would dare say he probably has a subsidized marriage, bc they paid for a huge extravaganza wedding plus the honeymoon which is supposed to be the groom's responsibility, but he didn't have the money for that. With them moving so quickly after the wedding (1.5 yrs) into an expensive neighborhood, and the fact the parents live in an expensive neighborhood, I'm sure they provided the down pmt. We know he doesn't have that kind of money. Also, when he let us know at literally the last minute we were not invited to the wedding bc her parents were paying for everything, and then again when he informed us they were moving bc the wife thought they should get into a better school district (no kids yet), he acted as if it was difficult for him to say anything, as if somebody was holding a gun to his head (figuratively speaking). So his awkwardness in speaking to us when there had never been a problem before, and him acting as if he really didn't want to move, that's what made us think the wife was behind it.