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Old 08-30-21, 08:08 PM  
bfit
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
OT: Elderly during the Pandemic: Concerns about my Dad

My Dad is 93 and lives alone in his own home. My brother and I live hundreds of miles away and have seen him in person only once since the start of the pandemic - after we were all vaccinated. My Dad has been super careful about potential exposure to COVID, but that means he has been locked up alone for months now. He talks to one neighbor every few days, goes to the grocery store once a week at 6 AM to avoid crowds, and sees his doctor every few weeks, and that's it for face to face social contact. Basically, he watches the TV news and/or sports all day, and that's pretty much his life. He does not want to move to be closer to me or my brother. Lately he has started talking about having my brother and I take stuff that we want from his house now rather than waiting until he dies, and he has gone over all of his end of life paperwork with us. I've tried asking him if he is depressed, but I don't think he even comprehends that depression is a real thing. I hope his life is not shortened by this. Has anyone experienced anything similar during these COVID times?
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Old 08-30-21, 09:57 PM  
Taiga
 
Join Date: May 2006
Isolation can really take a toll. I have seen so many elders decline physically and mentally in our efforts to keep them safe from the virus.

In my family, I found that it helped to set up facetime opportunities that involved actual activities or extended conversations, including plans for the future. That included rounding up ipads etc and arranging wifi etc (none of our folks had computers or even the slightest tech savvy). We still have to call on the landline to tell them to go to the IPad Lol but it allows daily face to face visiting and sometimes we'll even watch a movie or play bingo etc

Depending on the situation, an animal companion can also be very helpful. That can depend on the person's ability to properly care for the chosen furry friend. My elderly Aunt lives for her little Shih Tzu furbaby. An independent cat can give good snuggles and a sense of purpose without too many demands. I think it also a good idea to have a pet re-homing plan in place if this option interests your family.

Puzzles, especially with topics related to "the good old days" have been a hit. They keep the mind active and meditative and the right topic can inspire. Just having a task that needs attention can help pass the time. And looking at pictures that prompt good memories can help to lift the spirits.

Finding work projects that make a difference can also help. Keep the quilters quilting, the gardeners gardening and the carpenters building within their abilities/safety. Making doll clothes or bookends, food baskets etc at the request of a loved one or as part of a humanitarian effort can lift spirits.

It is so individual in terms of what will motivate a person. Staying connected and talking honestly about concerns seems to be the most important part. We need hope and connection.
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Old 08-31-21, 12:38 AM  
BunnyHop
 
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Everyone deals with aging and the thought of death differently, and for some, they're just as practical about it as with every other aspect of their existence.


A dear friend of mine died of cancer not long ago at 94, and she'd been sharing out family heirlooms and the excess of her accumulated stuff for a good many years. She made deliberate choices and shared many things as gifts to family members and friends specifically so they could receive them without the pall of grief that would have hung over any actual inheritance. It was gracefully done, and I'm sure they had a good time being able to talk about the family history of the various bits. She and her brother had been fostered separately as very small children after their parents died, and her only child died young, without offspring, so such family history, connections and conversations were very precious to her. It was lucky that she and her brother lived such long and happy lives, but in her case I do think that maintaining those connections is part of what gave her life meaning.


People also have varying attitudes towards belongings. For some they are tangible tokens of family history and memories, for others it's just stuff.

What sort of attitudes does your dad have about such practices? And you? Your siblings? If your personal styles of coping and sharing don't mesh it can be quite tricky to manage with grace.

Just wishing you the best, in a difficult situation.
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Old 08-31-21, 02:32 AM  
bzar
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this might seem like an odd suggestion, but forgive me. have you done your estate planning? if not, it might be a good project to work on to connect with your dad, and it will serve many other purposes. it will help you understand why he's getting rid of his belongings/mementos and will also put you in a good position in preparing for the future.

DH and i did ours when we were in our 30s, and had my parents and in-laws do theirs too. the attorney gave us a quantity discount!

my mom also gave me and our siblings a bunch of things like our old report cards, photos, etc. this was about 15 years before she passed away. she went through the downsizing phase many times over, including right after my father passed away.

when my older brother developed diabetes, on top of other medical issues, she convinced his wife to buy a burial plan.

my mom has always been a practical person, and i was so thankful when she agreed to do her estate plan rather than deny that it was needed. perhaps your dad is being practical. true, isolation can lead to depression and anxiety, but he's keeping himself busy and being constructive.
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Old 08-31-21, 02:33 AM  
Cybersparkle
 
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I am in a similar situation with my Mom. I second all the suggestions Taiga said. I talk to my Mom once or twice a day. She drives, has some contact with others but the lockdown has been difficult & I havent been able to see her in person as often.

I got her a smart phone but she is stubborn about using it even though she is capable, has a laptop she uses daily. But she knows how to use the basics for emergencies.

However I have had success with emailing. I send her little info links and sites that interests her and cute funny or uplifting stuff. Perhaps snail mail would work too if he isnt up for the tech.

I watch Netflix movies with her every now and again. We are on the phone, me on my computer, her on her laptop. "Ok on the count of three, push play" lol

I send her little stuff from Amazon she needs around the house and little thoughtful gifts - like greeting cards. It gives her something to look forward to & me a reason to call & let her know it's on the way.

I have even read a little from her favorite spiritual books or shared a paragraph or so of what I am reading & we talk about what it means. Also just call to say Hello, I love you & hope u have a good day consistently.

I sent her youtube links to all of her old favorite music- she didn't know it was all there. She had a real good time listening to stuff she hadn't heard in years.

I sent her a little small floor pedal bike, some rubber exercise bands and youtube links to tai chi for elders and check in to encourage her to do her exercises.

I am really corny and silly and try to laugh a lot & email silly stuff from youtube, it helps tremendously both me and her.

Whatever his interests are, find a way to engage him. Reading snips of books together, watching movies, puzzles etc. & set up regular contact by phone.
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Old 08-31-21, 02:35 AM  
bzar
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Cyber - love your ideas.
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Miyagi: Wax on, right hand. Wax off, left hand. Wax on, wax off. Breathe in through nose, out the mouth. Wax on, wax off. Don't forget to breathe, very important.
[walks away, still making circular motions with hands] ~ Pat Morita, The Karate Kid, 1984


disclosure: in the years 2002-2004 i had a professional relationship with a distributor of fitness videos; see profile.
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Old 08-31-21, 03:49 AM  
Cybersparkle
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bzar View Post
Cyber - love your ideas.
Thank u
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Old 08-31-21, 12:33 PM  
Sue B
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Join Date: Nov 2001
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My dad is "only" in his 80s but also living alone since my mom died in 2019. I'm fortunate to live about 15 minutes away and I visit frequently to do his laundry and grocery shopping and take his trash out, but I still worry about him living on his own. He spends his days much like your dad, watching TV (mostly news and Youtube videos about trains and classical music) and still insists on doing dishes and paying his bills on his own.

Those are great suggestions about setting up wifi and video chat. My dad has Apple devices with Facetime, although I usually just talk to him over the regular cell phone, and I also set up a Eufy security camera system in his house, one camera in the living room and another looking out the front door. I can see who comes to his house - I've ordered him to not even open the door for strangers - and late at night it is comforting to me to see him in his living room watching his train videos.

I think many old folks living alone are happy to have plenty of alone time to do what they want as long as they do have social outlets like family and neighbors. And Dad has told me and my kids, help yourselves to anything you want or need in the house. I remember my grandparents saying the same thing; I'm sure they enjoy seeing their stuff going to people who appreciate them.
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Old 08-31-21, 05:44 PM  
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I think worrying about my parents has been the toughest thing about this pandemic for me. My 97-year-old dad had been in a nursing home for about 3-1/2 months by the time the pandemic started and then we didn't get to be in the same room with him for almost a year. I am sure it was hard on him and it was hard on my 92-year-old mom, too. Her health started declining during that time. Dad died in late April and, in a few days, we will be moving my mom into assisted living. Her house is in the country (I grew up on a farm) and there are too many steps for her to get into and out of the house, plus the doorways and rooms are too small for getting around with a walker (if we could ever get her to use one!). Really, I don't know if she should be in assisted living or if she should actually go into a nursing home, but that's not my decision. She was evaluated and it's all been settled. She just seems very fragile and so easily tired. It's very worrisome.

Today she almost said she didn't want to go. She said it was too much trouble. She hasn't been feeling well lately and she's tired and discouraged and afraid, I'm sure. She's lived in the same house for 71 years! She had a doctor's appointment today and got some new medications to try, so I hope she is feeling better soon. Moving day is Saturday. I'm sad, too, because I love visiting the farm and house where I grew up. So many changes this year with COVID still raging, my dad dying, my mom moving. My brother will be living in the house, but it just won't be the same for any of us.

Sorry for the long post, but, yes, I can empathize!

Donna
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Old 09-02-21, 04:08 PM  
mimikz
 
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Awww Donna. Sending virtual hugs. Sounds like you’re most definitely doing your best with difficult decisions.

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