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Old 08-05-21, 12:13 PM  
Vantreesta
 
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Originally Posted by zraipel View Post
Vantreesta, your mom sounds a lot like mine. She took care of kids her whole life, and then when those kids grew up and had kids of their own, she took care of them too. She was Grandma to a lot of people! I would think that people would be expecting more delayed services these days, but I know how you feel about the time passing and knowing how many people will show up. I also, like you, hoped that those who couldn't make it were able to grieve in their own way.
Yes, exactly! We sometimes joked that she was like Santa Claus in the Tim Allen movie The Santa Clause, where he is sitting in the park and the line of kids lines up to talk to him. Whenever she was at Walmart (which was very often!) kids would come from different aisles to see her! I can never live up to the legacy of love and kindness she left behind but I am trying to be better!
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Old 08-05-21, 12:43 PM  
athompson10
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I am so sorry that people you love and count on are behaving so badly. If they can't make it and know that already, they can say "I'm so sorry I won't be there, I'll be there in spirit, how about if I...[write something for you to read, send you a photo collage, remember your husband in my own way that day by XYZ, whatever]." But to blithely dismiss the date with those sorts of excuses is tone deaf and hurtful.

People are weird about grief. In their minds your husband's passing, which is ever present for you, is in the past for them and they're thinking more about themselves and their lives. Or that's the only reason I can come up with for this behavior.

Many years ago, DH's aunt blew off a family memorial service and actually TOLD THE GRIEVING WIDOWER that she couldn't come because she was doing a wine appreciation course and the service conflicted with Session #5 of 6. Unbelievable.
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Old 08-05-21, 12:45 PM  
Jane P.
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Sherry,

I am so sorry! I do know that when I was working I had no grief leave, and had to use vacation time if I had to travel to a funeral. I only got 10 days vacation time so it was a hard decision. When I lost my Mom, the funeral director gave me a note to present to my employer to prove I really did travel to attend her funeral.
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Old 08-05-21, 01:11 PM  
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Originally Posted by sherry7899 View Post
I apologize in advance for my rambling.

I had planned to hold a celebration of life for my husband Frank on October 9th. I had hoped back when I picked the date that things would be better by now, but with the Covid cases and the delta variant cases rising, I have had to make the decision to postpone it. I had picked that date because it was John Lennon's birthday, and Frank was a huge Beatles geek. It even fell on a Saturday.
We have friends that would be flying here from Texas and Florida and various other states, plus driving from other states. I cannot take a chance of anyone getting sick. (please, I do want debates on Covid, or vaccines or politics. That is not my point).

It was an agonizing decision. I have been in limbo since losing him last December. He did not want a wake or service. I knew that even though he passed suddenly. He always told me that, so I am honoring his wishes. I have barely gotten to see anyone because of Covid. We have seen a few people, but it has been months of grieving mainly with my sweet son.

I notified people yesterday of the new date-on Frank's birthday the end of March. I really hope things improve by then.

A very good friend of mine from high school lives across the country. She said she could not come to the original date because she could not get off of work. I sent her the new date, and she said she likely cannot come because she will be celebrating her own birthday the day before. Seriously? I am beyond livid and disgusted. If she had said she was nervous about Covid, could not get time off of work, or could not afford it, fine. But to say that she can't come because of her own birthday when Frank is gone, will never get another birthday, and this is to honor him and support me, I have no words. Frank loved this friend. They clicked the minute they met back in 1989. I am so upset, and I can't write her back because I don't know what words would come out.

Then I heard from Frank's cousin...his only cousin. She had promised to speak. Frank always said if anything happened to him, to have her speak because they have the same warped sense of humor, and she is a great public speaker. She told me she may be away on vacation. She will let me know. Really? Frank was there for her when she lost both her parents. He stood in for her father and gave a speech at her wedding because her father passed the month before. He was petrified to do it, but did it because she asked him to. She had promised to be there for their grandmother's funeral to support Frank's mom year ago, but was she? No, she was on vacation, not that far away in NJ and did not come back to attend and support anyone. I just wrote her back to let me know. I can't get into it with her because I will say things that cannot be unsaid.

What is wrong with people? I just am so utterly and totally disgusted with how selfish people can be.....
Sherry, I am so sorry that you are dealing with people like this, especially for an event so significant. I totally relate to your feelings. I have had the same experience when I have planned events that are very significant in my life. I learned that people who say, “I’ll try to come,” never do. People who care about you and genuinely want to support you will show up. Sometimes people get sick or go away, and that’s understandable. The rest of your friends and family who don’t make the effort really just don’t care enough to make the effort. They might make the effort to talk on the phone or text you, but when it comes to taking time out of their lives, they won’t do it.

I have learned through these experiences who my real friends are. I often forgive, but don’t forget, the disappointing actions of people. I know who they are, and don’t expect much.

I’ve told a few of the people who disappointed me about how I felt, but the people always defended why they weren’t there to support me. One former friend was appalled that I would be hurt by her not showing up for me. That friendship ended.

In the end, your event will be filled with those who truly want to be there.
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Old 08-05-21, 02:13 PM  
Paine
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Sherry, I understand why you are hurt. I'm so sorry those people let you down--that's rotten. I'm hoping they will change their minds before March. I think I'd tell Frank's cousin that Frank wanted her to speak at his celebration if he died. I'm sending you lots of hugs and love!

Stephanie, I was really close to my mom and it was difficult for me after she died. She died 5 years ago and I still miss her terribly. I'm sending you hugs too!
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Old 08-05-21, 02:55 PM  
imhere2dance
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
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I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. And I'm very sorry that people aren't giving him (or you) the respect he deserves. *hug*
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Old 08-05-21, 03:26 PM  
AsSweetAsSugar
 
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Sherry, I am so sorry to hear your DH passed away, I had no idea, my sincere condolences to you and your whole family. (((Hugs)))) Your frustration is understandable, I hope at the end, the people that count the most for you will be able to share that moment with you and your DS.
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Old 08-05-21, 03:34 PM  
wlorrie
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Central Mass
I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately, I'm not surprised. When my father died, I learned the hard way how self centered people can be. I even had one "friend" get mad at me because I didn't want to go with her to a club on the day we buried him.

Be disappointed, vent, cry, yell. Then in March, enjoy the memories of your wonderful, loving husband who left this earth too soon with those who can come.

I'm sorry for your loss.
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Old 08-05-21, 04:06 PM  
cataddict
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Sherry, I'm so sorry about how hurt and angry you are about this situation. Often it seems that people's responses are about them and their needs and not about you or Frank. Some may not even realize how thoughtless and cruel they are in what they do (or in this case, not do). I'm not saying that excuses them, and I don't think it does. To me true kindness is putting someone else's needs above one's own comfort and you need them to be present for you and it must hurt that they can't or won't do that. So many here have expressed themselves so well and I am struggling. I'm just sorry for your pain. Sending many {{hugs}}.
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Old 08-05-21, 04:33 PM  
bee
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Sending more hugs to you, Sherry. I'm glad you can at least vent here! fanofladyvols always knows exactly what to say and I'm sure she's right -- from what you've mentioned, it seems to me that Frank would not want you to sweat this..... (and yet I know it's impossible not to!).
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