OT - Need to vent

[Gams]

My dad is the care taker for my stepmom. At this point, she probably can’t do much for herself, but she gave up long before she had to. She refuses to do any physical therapy. If she’s in the recliner she won’t even move the lever to raise or lower the back of the recliner. She makes Dad turn flower pots so she can look at the flowers from a different angle. When Dad tries to get her to do anything for herself, she calls him a b****** and starts hollering. After she opens the mail, she throws it on the floor knowing Dad will pick it up. I go over there with food a lot. My sister goes over there and washes and fixes my stepmom’s hair and helps with bathroom issues (she even gave my stepmom an enema the other day). The firemen have been to their house several times to get her off the floor when she’s fallen. So Dad can’t leave her alone and the few times he’s gone somewhere, my sister sat with her. A week ago I met my dad at my nephew’s basketball game. One of my stepmom’s kids was sitting with her. He called at halftime, though, and said he didn’t want to stay any longer and he also wanted some money (I didn’t hear how much, though, but I heard Dad say he would head home and stop at the ATM on the way home.)

Okay, here’s the part that has me all worked up. My stepmom has 6 children and several adult grandchildren and none have ever sat with her except the one son for half a basketball game. My other sister is coming up from Las Vegas in July. She hasn’t seen Dad in a few years and neither have my aunts because they won’t go over to Dad’s because they can’t stand my stepmom. My sister and I thought it would be nice if we could get one of my stepmom’s children to sit with her for a couple hours so my sister, her husband, my younger sister, my two aunts, my dad and I could get together for lunch.

My sister called one of my stepmom’s kids and asked if one of them could sit with their mom for a couple hours on July 21st or July 22nd. The daughter said no because she thinks she’ll be camping and another one will be working and another one doesn’t like to drive, etc. - she had excuses for all 6 kids! And it would only be for a couple hours - 2 months from now! I could just smack these people!

I know Dad should be more assertive, but he doesn’t want to make any waves and has always tried to keep the peace.

I just can’t believe it - 2 lousy hours and 2 months to plan for it. 😡

BTW, Dad is 88 and my stepmom’s kids are all in their 50’s and 60’s - all but one are retired.

Sorry this is so long and off topic, but every time I think about this my blood boils.

[Terry]

All you can do is to keep on doing what you are doing for your dad. Once he can no longer take care of her, her kids will be forced to put her into a home.

[bubbles76]

I'm so sorry that you have to watch your dad go through this. It's so terrible when so many people around you are being so selfish. Terry has a point though. Do you what you can to make your dad comfortable, because it doesn't seem that he is going to be more assertive with your stepmom.

[Gams]

I told my sister that’s coming up for a visit that I would sit with my stepmom. I’d like to go to lunch with everyone, but it’s more important that Dad gets a break. My only real concern is if she has to go to the bathroom while I’m there - that’s when she usually falls on the floor and Dad has to call the fire department. Also, I’m not sure what happens exactly, but there’s apparently a lot of clean up involved after she’s been in the bathroom.

[AsSweetAsSugar]

I can't believe she has 6 kids, and none of them can sit with her for a couple of hours... I understand your frustration. I hope you can figure out something until then, so you can go to the lunch as well. And the other son asking for money, wow. She doesn't sound very considerate with your dad either, which is sad.

[nevertoolate]

What an unfortunate situation! Is it possible to hire a professional caregiver from a health care agency to cover during that visit? As difficult as this situation is, it's not unique. I don't know what state you're in, but most states have an Agency on Aging that can help with local resources. It sounds like your father could use someone to come in for a "few hours" on a regular basis to give him a break. Good luck.

Ann

[bzar]

Originally Posted by nevertoolate

What an unfortunate situation! Is it possible to hire a professional caregiver from a health care agency to cover during that visit? As difficult as this situation is, it's not unique. I don't know what state you're in, but most states have an Agency on Aging that can help with local resources. It sounds like your father could use someone to come in for a "few hours" on a regular basis to give him a break. Good luck.

Ann

^2

your stepmom (and dad) will probably resist having someone from outside, but you can do baby steps - have agency helper come in while dad and you are there, and have helper do things like bathe step mom, help her use the bathroom, etc. this way they all can get comfortable and establish a relationship with a helper(s) from an agency. you may need the help of several agencies - my co-worker did this - in order to get adequate coverage.

you don't want to wait until, God forbid, your father has a health crisis. he needs respite, otherwise he will burn out. i've seen it happen several times - the caregiver has a health crisis or dies before the patient.

don't count on step mom's 6 kids. for whatever reason, they have never come forward and they won't now. make plans for the future with just those who are already in the picture, and get help from an agency. her doctor might be able to refer you to someone too in addition to what Ann suggested.

Medicare will cover these costs too.

[dnna]

I hope you will go to the little 2 hour reunion. Call anagency and get someone to sit with her for 2 hours. money well spent.
where I live we have a couple business that do elder care, errands, cleaning etc. I think that is becoming more popular/available. also look into adult daycare? maybe medicare can provide home health respite/ongoing care.
I hope you take good care of yourself and your day. I have had this problem in my own family.
Never count on on her children and grandchildren. just ignore them and don't let it eat you up. not worth it. (just my experience, I was better off not contacting my family member's relative and just always knew no help was coming from them)

good luck and paying for 2 hours for help- freedom

[fanofladyvols]

I'm sorry, Gams...very frustrating! The stepmom is a piece of work.

I really think money well spent to have a caregiver come for 2 hours, even if you are there. I think with your recent surgeries you should be careful. Honestly, based on the care she seems to demand maybe she should already be in a facility?

(Don't you wish you could be catty though and put together an invoice for all y'all do for her and mail it to all her children? )

Hang in there !

[Gams]

Dad won’t let us hire somebody to come in and she definitely won’t. She was really mean to the physical therapist who came in a couple times and got rid of her and also another woman who came in a couple times. (These were visits set up by the hospital after one of her falls.). Several of us have suggested she needs to be in a nursing home but Dad has resisted and she would have a flipping fit. One of her daughters made a comment that they should go into a nursing home together, which makes no sense because Dad doesn’t need one and she would only continue to make him wait on her hand and foot. Dad’s neighbors have told us they feel sorry for Dad because they hear my stepmom screaming “Dick!!!” all day long.