Molly Galbraith - This Is My Body

[Chomper]

Yes, thank you! That is definitely the article. It goes even deeper than comments about appearance, too. How interesting (I didn't remember that).

In addition to backhanded compliments, the shadows you say they can cast... I can provide more examples. They can be wrong and invalidating. I had a chronic illness and kept hearing, "Well, you LOOK great." That did not make me feel better. And we get to a certain age where if an acquaintance loses a lot of weight quickly, we are not sure if we should compliment or not, because it could be because of a dire illness that they might not want to disclose. And also, how would they feel to hear how great they look when they are dealing with a terminal illness? There are many examples of women with eating disorders who got frequent compliments as their weight dropped past healthy levels, which they felt reinforced their disorders.

Well, I haven't got to a place where I have been ready to ask people to stop giving compliments on my appearance. I can't get past the fact that it is well-meant and a staple of positive social interaction. I think it would require great skill to request it stop without it feeling like a slap in the face. It sounds like you would define it as a problem only if it were frequent? And I am talking only about situations where it is occasional. Also, I have gained some fat over the past two years, and along with the fact that I have put on more muscle mass than acceptable for a woman, I don't tend to hear that many compliments anymore.

I should probably clarify that I was not proposing to ban compliments between lovers. I am not that radical.

[Erica H.]

Originally Posted by Chomper

In addition to backhanded compliments, the shadows you say they can cast... I can provide more examples. They can be wrong and invalidating. I had a chronic illness and kept hearing, "Well, you LOOK great." That did not make me feel better. And we get to a certain age where if an acquaintance loses a lot of weight quickly, we are not sure if we should compliment or not, because it could be because of a dire illness that they might not want to disclose. And also, how would they feel to hear how great they look when they are dealing with a terminal illness? There are many examples of women with eating disorders who got frequent compliments as their weight dropped past healthy levels, which they felt reinforced their disorders.

This.

My SIL died from cancer and was just skin and bones when she died - so incredibly skinny. I had lost some weight after she died and my FIL said to me, "You're getting nice and skinny." I don't like getting comments on my body size at all so maybe I'm just more sensitive to this, but I was shocked that he would say that after he watched his poor daughter just waste away. I had quite a few people compliment me on my weight loss, but only one person actually expressed concern that I had lost weight because maybe something was actually wrong. Everyone else told me how great I looked which just made me think I must have looked awful before.

I have a friend who has lost a lot of weight in a short time in an unhealthy way but everyone keeps telling her how great she looks even though I suspect she's below a healthy weight/bodyfat level now. As you said, I believe this just reinforces her unhealthy lifestyle.

I love Girls Gone Strong! Such wonderful, uplifting, encouraging messages to women that many of us need to hear.

Erica

[hch]

I'll have responses later to the last two posts about comments during illness and the like.

Originally Posted by Chomper

Well, I haven't got to a place where I have been ready to ask people to stop giving compliments on my appearance. I can't get past the fact that it is well-meant and a staple of positive social interaction. I think it would require great skill to request it stop without it feeling like a slap in the face. It sounds like you would define it as a problem only if it were frequent? And I am talking only about situations where it is occasional.

Oh, my comment about frequency ("and I'd probably try to be subtle and sensitive in the effort if such people were frequently making any sorts of comments about my body") could've been clearer. It means more that I'd find such comments harder to disregard simply as frothy small talk if they were repeated.

Asking people to stop is almost never my first preference, and I actually haven't done so yet. One reason is my acknowledgment that these comments are usually well-meant. I don't entirely accept everything done with good intentions, but intention does make a difference.

(And maybe I've simply been around the "wrong" people, but I don't tend to hear appearance comments much in my ordinary conversation anyway. I don't mean just those comments that are meant to be positive. I don't mean just comments directed at me; I mean also comments directed back at the speaker, at a third party in the conversation, or yet another party outside it. Especially if we include self-criticisms, I've actually read more negative physique comments online than I've heard in person. These have been on "fitness" forums, not sites on which people gossip about celebrities or discuss how hot Person X is and Person Y isn't.)

When I first hear such comments, I've been most likely to ignore them and change the topic to something else.

At times, I've also begun subtly turning the conversation to non-aesthetic effects and benefits of exercise and fitness, things that appearance-based comments neglect and ignore. (I hope for persuasive talk that doesn't sound like a correction or a rebuke. )

Also, I have gained some fat over the past two years, and along with the fact that I have put on more muscle mass than acceptable for a woman, I don't tend to hear that many compliments anymore.

Horrors--where are Molly Galbraith's body critics when you need them? (Of course, the prior question isn't serious, since the wording assumes that you need body critics. Maybe I'd need such contradictory detractors from time to time if I were tempted to take such detractions seriously, but I hope never to be so tempted. )

I should probably clarify that I was not proposing to ban compliments between lovers. I am not that radical.

Neither do I propose any such ban. Your mention does remind me that a "love" based solely on physical appearance probably won't last that long. It also reminds me more indirectly that Molly "loves" her body, and she doesn't mean that she loves it only because it is no longer "too fat," "too thin," "too masculine..."

[hch]

Originally Posted by Chomper

In addition to backhanded compliments, the shadows you say they can cast... I can provide more examples. They can be wrong and invalidating. I had a chronic illness and kept hearing, "Well, you LOOK great." That did not make me feel better. And we get to a certain age where if an acquaintance loses a lot of weight quickly, we are not sure if we should compliment or not, because it could be because of a dire illness that they might not want to disclose. And also, how would they feel to hear how great they look when they are dealing with a terminal illness? There are many examples of women with eating disorders who got frequent compliments as their weight dropped past healthy levels, which they felt reinforced their disorders.

Originally Posted by Erica H.

This.

My SIL died from cancer and was just skin and bones when she died - so incredibly skinny. I had lost some weight after she died and my FIL said to me, "You're getting nice and skinny." I don't like getting comments on my body size at all so maybe I'm just more sensitive to this, but I was shocked that he would say that after he watched his poor daughter just waste away. I had quite a few people compliment me on my weight loss, but only one person actually expressed concern that I had lost weight because maybe something was actually wrong. Everyone else told me how great I looked which just made me think I must have looked awful before.

I have a friend who has lost a lot of weight in a short time in an unhealthy way but everyone keeps telling her how great she looks even though I suspect she's below a healthy weight/bodyfat level now. As you said, I believe this just reinforces her unhealthy lifestyle.

I've seen similar stories on VF and elsewhere, and I've heard similar things in person, though nothing as drastic as any of your examples.

It's at least interesting that for some people, a certain look that gets compliments can most easily be attained through illness, injury, or other severe medical problems. The fact really says a lot about the perils of judging by "appearances"--and really nothing directly about any supposed "imperfections" of these people. There's one reason that I don't compliment people on weight loss, even if the change was intentional and comments have been solicited; if someone's adopted healthful habits, then we can discuss health, and if someone's adopted unhealthful habits, there are more important things than "looking great."

I have two further points, which I've decided to develop in later posts (if not new threads) when I have even more time. Short versions:

- I've realized (more recently than I should've ) that there are differences between some aesthetic comments and others. Even though all of them may cast some sort of "shadow" or another, some comments are more pernicious.

- I wonder what Molly Galbraith was thinking about her body that same week when her contradictory detractors commented on her body. This point comes mainly from a recent statistic that I read online and a recent post (not in the same place online) that I found especially striking.

Yes, I like Molly Galbraith's new approach to things.

Originally Posted by Erica H.

I love Girls Gone Strong! Such wonderful, uplifting, encouraging messages to women that many of us need to hear.

Indeed! I've been trying to read more of it, and I recommend that others do the same.

https://www.girlsgonestrong.com