OT - Need your words of wisdom

[Vee]

I encourage any person, man or woman facing a pattern of such behaviour to leave. Whether someone prone to making entirely unprovoked verbal attacks is doing it because of mental illness or because of a character flaw, the fact remains that being at the receiving end means an exceedingly unhappy life for the other party....for as long as they don't leave. People don't change. Not unless they accept they have issues and take responsibility to fix it. I have never, ever seen a person in a relationship with someone who accepts this behaviour make the effort to change. Periodic "episodes" are too high a price to pay for good times in between episodes.

An adult who wants a relationship and has issues should get help first and make themselves ready and deserving of a relationship.

[eyefit]

Originally Posted by dnna

Hi Gams
I am sorry to hear about your troubles. One thing hat has helped me, is to think- what would I do if someone was treating my daughter( niece,friend, mother) like this, doing all those things to her-what would I do to save her, protect her, help her.
ok, now do all those things to save yourself, protect yourself, and help yourself because you are worth it to your daughter, niece, mother , friend.
you are worth it to us.
donna

Originally Posted by Vee

I encourage any person, man or woman facing a pattern of such behaviour to leave. Whether someone prone to making entirely unprovoked verbal attacks is doing it because of mental illness or because of a character flaw, the fact remains that being at the receiving end means an exceedingly unhappy life for the other party....for as long as they don't leave. People don't change. Not unless they accept they have issues and take responsibility to fix it. I have never, ever seen a person in a relationship with someone who accepts this behaviour make the effort to change. Periodic "episodes" are too high a price to pay for good times in between episodes.

An adult who wants a relationship and has issues should get help first and make themselves ready and deserving of a relationship.

YES to both these things. So incredibly true and I love what Vee said about any adult with mental illness issues, whether it's bipolar, addiction, personality disorder or whatever, needs to address and overcome those issues FIRST before entering into any relationship. It is not your responsibility or duty to "fix" someone or be their savior. It never works anyway. People need to help themselves. That is the only path to true change.

We are currently dealing with an abusive situation with my SIL and her DH and it is heartbreaking and frustrating for the family to have to watch the train wreck happen over and over. We feel so helpless. The worst part is when kids are involved and witnessing these things. I worry and forsee a future where my nephew becomes his father and my niece marries a man just like him. Just thinking about it right now is making me want to cry.

[Jeanne Marie]

Something I have learned in my almost 58 years is this....

Whatever issues/problems he has now, they will not get better. What you see now is what you are going to be dealing with as long as you are with him. So ask yourself if this is an acceptable way for you to live. I think you know the answer already.

I try to tell my son this in his search for the right girl. You can't change them. What you see is what you get.

The good times may be good, but the bad times are never going to be any different.

You deserve so much better. I am sorry for what you are going through. I think you should move on, and do it quickly. (((hugs)))

[marya]

Originally Posted by Jeanne Marie

Something I have learned in my almost 58 years is this....

Whatever issues/problems he has now, they will not get better. What you see now is what you are going to be dealing with as long as you are with him. So ask yourself if this is an acceptable way for you to live. I think you know the answer already.

I try to tell my son this in his search for the right girl. You can't change them. What you see is what you get. The good times may be good, but the bad times are never going to be any different.

You deserve so much better. I am sorry for what you are going through. I think you should move on, and do it quickly. (((hugs)))

Gams, you mentioned that you suspected your boyfriend might have (untreated) bipoloar disorder. Everything you've described rang so many bells for me. I once had a very dear friend whose bipolar disorder worsened alarmingly after menopause. The swings in her behavior were just like your boyfriend's: she would be so generous and caring and fun one minute--and then in a flash turn completely vicious.

One of the hardest things I've ever had to do was to accept that (1) I, as a friend, could not help her--she needed the help and the resources of mental health professionals (which she was unwilling to seek); (2) her behavior was adversely affecting my own mental health, and I needed to break away.

Sadly, in the case of my friend, every one of Jeanne Marie's observations proved true. The last straw for me was when my friend left hateful messages on the office phone at my workplace.

Does your boyfriend have parents or siblings who might be able to nudge him in the direction of a mental health professional--someone with whom you could share your concerns? Sometimes a family member will have the authority that a non-relative lacks in such situations. (I did bring my concerns to the attention of my friend's brother. I felt that was the only positive action I was really able to take.)

[northernlight]

Originally Posted by Demeris

A. Something's wrong with his hardwiring.
B. He's abusive.
C. You can love him and not want to be the object of that sort of invective.

Yes. I would add that leaving him may be the most loving thing you can do for him. He might eventually realize that he needs help; and go and get it.

[marmact]

Wow, I am so sorry. I think the worst part if these relationships is the person making you feel like they would not act this way if YOU didn't do xyz. Because that puts the onus for their behavior on you. Plus, it sets up a dynamic where you are constantly tiptoeing around trying not to step on land mines. He's done some nice things, yes. But those are not without strings. Remember that. They were not done to be kind but to keep you hooked in.

You've gotten great advice here. The only thing I would add is that fixing him is NOT your problem. He's an adult. If he wants help, he will take care of himself. All you need to do is get yourself out of the situation. Good luck. I think he will probably be rude and disbelieving. I'd encourage you to have a friend or family member with you. ((Hugs))

[msladybug]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I am a survivor of domestic violence.

Abuser erode your confidence and perspective until you are willing to pick up crumbs of kindness or likability....which are not really kindness but part of the pattern to bind you to them and to control you. Stop asking what he needs, what make him happy, don't justify his behavior. You can't fix him. Look to yourself, take care of yourself.

See a counselor...on your own. Discuss an escape plan. You deserve so so sooo much more. Honest.

hugs hugs hugs

[beyond.omega]

You have a lot of great advice here. I just wanted to add my support. Remember, you deserve someone who is loving to you all the time...without the abuse. And removing him and his abuse from your life will make room new people in your life you love and support you.

*hugs* Take care of yourself.

[LynnO]

Gams, I'm so sorry. When I read your first post, I was so confused. Who doesn't fall over themselves when someone brings them dinner and then yells I thought maybe he left the message for the wrong person.

But, the other episodes certainly indicate that he either has a mental health issue, or is abusive. I don't think most mental health issues cause people to treat others in such an unpleasant manner though.

I have to agree with the others, you know what you need to do. So, so, sorry. I grew up with an abuser, and one thing that isn't apparent to people without the experience, one of the scariest and worst thing about it is all the uncertainty, when will they blow. They control you with that fear. That is absolutely, positively, no way to live.

[BunnyHop]

I find that it's quite helpful to get some counseling for myself sometimes, if nothing else to remind myself that I am generous, courageous, compassionate and wise. No matter what anyone else thinks, I have a loving heart, an active mind and plenty of my best self to share so long as others realize that my trust issues were created by situations beyond my control, and made worse by people who refused to acknowledge what I've been through.

I guess what I'm rambling around to say is that I'll never be the person I was before. I can't 'snap out of it', 'get over it' and 'pretend it never happened' because life, for me, just doesn't work that way.

Some of my old wounds/memories are present in what seems like sensurround. In my worst moments of overload, emotionally, aurally, visually, physically, it seems as though the terrifying past is present, here now.

For me, I get along best with those who realize that my old wounds need to be treated with some respect, to be acknowledged, at least. Banging on them stirs up troublesome memories and emotions, even if the people trying to help only mean the best for me. It's not so much a matter of having people walk on eggshells around my boundaries, but of letting sleeping dogs lie. They sometimes snore, grumble, and dream and move their feet in their sleep, but if left alone, they settle back down, and life can go on.


For me, building up my sense of self awareness has really helped me figure out how and why I respond to certain things the way I do, so I don't get stuck in another clueless repetition of unhelpful, emotionally draining forced marches down memory lane.

This all sounds a bit weird, but I guess my point is that recovery is a really unique process for every individual.

You'll need to process what you've learned about this relationship, about your ex, about how you interact with them and why. It won't be quick and easy, but eventually, you'll have more perspective on things than you do now, so have some compassion for your future self and try not to beat yourself up too much about your difficulties.

Your ex? Seems to be lacking in self awareness, which right there is a huge red flag to me. The fact that they can/will lash out in ways that seem bizarre is a pretty good warning of what's to come.

Best of luck in figuring out what to do.