OT - Need your words of wisdom

[Vintage VFer]

(((Gams))) Sending you a PM...

[suzannaerin]

First and foremost, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Caring about someone with an untreated mental illness or a personality disorder can be heartbreaking, and it's good that you are discovering this now.

You've gotten some good advice here, so I won't repeat what's been said already.

It sounds like you are a generous, loving person, and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

[AsSweetAsSugar]

I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you, and I agree with most what others have said. Experience has taught me that what start wrong usually get worse (unfortunatelly), especially if the person do not accept there is a problem, or in this case he has a problem. It is better to stop now when he is just your bf and live separately, than to start a life together (and maybe a family) with the hope things will change... I know you love him and it is hard for you, but you have to love yourself first, and if he is not able to treat you as you deserve and make you happy, then he doesn't deserve to be with you.

Wishing you all the best.

[MsThistlebottom]

Originally Posted by Gams

...Now I don't try to understand, but even when things are going great, I know there is another one of these episodes right around the corner.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. The emotional volatility is a situation that I lived with for 22 years in my first marriage. No one deserves that kind of treatment. Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. Hugs to you, and feel free to PM me as well.

[jessicavi]

Originally Posted by Kitten

My advice: get away now! Break up with him and do not have contact with him again. Do not answer the phone or texts no matter what he says. I had a bf like this who ended up being my mentally and physically abusive husband for 2 years. It's a lot easier to walk away now, then go through a divorce(or worse) in the future.

Originally Posted by suzannaerin

First and foremost, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Caring about someone with an untreated mental illness or a personality disorder can be heartbreaking, and it's good that you are discovering this now.

You've gotten some good advice here, so I won't repeat what's been said already.

It sounds like you are a generous, loving person, and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

Gams, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You've gotten some great words of wisdom for sure. I just wanted you to know you have the power within you to make the right decision about this relationship. Don't be afraid to be alone. Find family or a counselor (there are low cost/sliding scale options if needed) who can support you in this. My daughter endured that kind of verbally (and two times mutually physically abusive) drama for over 7 years, 2 of which were married years producing a now 2 year old. Right from the beginning, he left a verbally abusive message on her phone over some wrong he felt she did. Back then, I told her dump him ASAP but she didn't. There were accusations that she was cheating/talking to other guys (untrue) if she didn't answer his calls/texts right away and a cycle of drama followed by gifts. He was insecure/distrustful, which wreaked havoc on their relationship. His family dynamic was also very dysfunctional among other inconsistencies. He was nice to us and got along great with my husband, but that didn't fool me. He convinced her he'd change and she married him against my advice. We supported her and gave her a great wedding. But right after the wedding, things went downhill fast. They got counseling a few times but separated anyway. Just a few weeks ago, she finally filed for divorce. It's a very painful thing to watch but the signs were there from the beginning. She just thought things would change and he promised to get help but never really followed through. He has Tourette's (not very noticeable ticks. In my job, I've assisted a parent of a child with Tourette's and he has other emotional issues. Apparently, it is not uncommon.) and God only knows what else. Really, only God knows because he sure wasn't forthcoming or proactive. To paraphrase Maya Angelou "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them." You can forgive a person but you don't have to let them continue to wreak havoc in your life. ((((hugs)))

[jenn38]

Originally Posted by casey

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can only tell you what works for me. I applied this in different situations, but they were situations where I lacked confidence and needed to make hard choices that were the right ones for my life and emotional confidence.

Ask yourself what someone would do who has a strong sense of their value and confidence. You know the answer in your heart. Then, make decisions that you believe a confident, strong person would make. As you continue to make those kind of choices, you will start to notice a change in yourself. You will become a positive, strong person. You will meet more positive people too.
Sometimes it's difficult to let go of feelings in a relationship. Just realize that the behavior of that person is not healthy for your well being and you can't be around that erratic, negative behavior anymore.

HTH Casey

That is some great advice.

Gams (((HUGS)))

[Lucky Star]

Dear Gams, you've received terrific caring and sensitive advice, but these two in particular stood out to me:

Originally Posted by Demeris

A. Something's wrong with his hardwiring.
B. He's abusive.
C. You can love him and not want to be the object of that sort of invective.

If counseling is out of the question (couples counseling), I'd explain A-C, and then break up with him, KNOWING I couldn't go back.

That's what I'd do. You're the only one who knows what's right for you and what's right for the relationship. I wish you well and hope your decision gives you the best possible results.

Originally Posted by casey

Ask yourself what someone would do who has a strong sense of their value and confidence. You know the answer in your heart. Then, make decisions that you believe a confident, strong person would make. As you continue to make those kind of choices, you will start to notice a change in yourself. You will become a positive, strong person. You will meet more positive people too.

In your heart, soul and mind you know what you have to do and why. (((Big hugs)))

[bzar]

((((gams))))

it sounds as though you've already made up your mind about breaking up with him.

are you afraid he will become violent if you break the news to him? i.e., is your safety an issue?

if so, would it make sense to bring a family member with you when you do it?

i've never broken up with anyone with whom i'd fear for retribution - i've been lucky - therefore i apologize if my suggestion is totally off.

my niece married this dude even after he steamrollered her car with his monster truck.... in a public park in front of a lot of people. after a few years, she finally divorced him. i never asked her how she did it. fortunately, he didn't retaliate.

[kali1]

I wanted to post the following information in hopes it can help someone.

Know the Signs:

Domestic violence is often more than just physical abuse. It encompasses sexual, emotional, economic and psychological violence. Initially, identifying the signs of an abusive relationship can be difficult, especially if the abuser uses subtle tactics to gain power and control. It is very common for survivors to recognize the beginning of the abuse as the first time the abusers hit them, but really the cycle of violence may have started early on in the relationship. Perpetrators tend to be charming and very convincing when exerting power and control tactics. However, understanding common occurrences or patterns in an unhealthy relationship and being able to begin an informed conversation is a major step to healing and helping others to join in understanding why and how domestic violence occurs.

Common signs of an abusive relationship are if one or both partners:

•Prevents contact and communication with friends and family

•Controls money and important identification, such as driver’s licenses and passports

•Causes embarrassment with bad names and put-downs

•Critical about survivors appearance and/or behavior

•Attempts to control what partner wears

•Has unrealistic expectations, like partner being available at all times

•Threatens to take away or hurt the children

•Acts like abuse is not a big deal, or denies it’s happening

•Plays mind games to place blame on the survivor

•Destroys property or threatens to kill pets

•Intimidates with guns, knives or other weapons

•Shoves, slaps, chokes, hits or forces sexual acts

•Threatens to commit suicide

Often, it can be difficult to identify what types of abuse are and what constitutes each type of abuse. These are some telltale signs of physical, sexual, emotional, economic and psychological abuse:

Physical. any use of force that causes pain or injury such as, hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair pulling, etc.. This type of abuse also includes the use of weapons, denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use upon him or her.

Sexual. Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to, marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.

Emotional. Any pattern of behavior that causes emotional pain that can include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, being unfaithful, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children. Perpetrators may also be emotionally neglectful, such as not expressing feelings or respecting the survivor’s feelings and opinions.

Economic. Making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment. Forcing a survivor to use his or her credit to rack up debt is also very common and can present problems in the future when attempting to obtain credit.

Psychological. Elements include—but are not limited to—causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

Effects of Domestic Violence

Families or individuals who have experienced domestic violence are in the process of healing both physically and emotionally from multiple traumas. These traumas can have various effects on the mind, body and spirit. It is natural to experience these, and acknowledging the effects can be an important first step in embarking on a process towards restoration and healing.

People who are exposed to domestic violence often experience physical, mental or spiritual shifts that can endure and worsen if they are not addressed. According to a study done by the Centers for Disease Control, nearly three in every 10 women—about 32 million—and one in 10 men in the United States who experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner reported at least one measured impact or effect related to forms of violent behavior in that relationship.

Even though survivors may experience similar types of abuse, the response to trauma may vary from person to person. Many factors can influence how a person responds to short- and long-term effects of the abuse, such as the frequency of abusive incidents, degree of severity and the effects on physical health. The overall impact of domestic violence also depends on the individual’s natural reactions to stress and ways of coping with stressful situations. Other factors can include age in which the trauma occurred, previous exposure to unrelated traumatic incidents and extent of therapy or timing of intervention.

It’s important to know that the effects of domestic violence can be overwhelming to experience, and even to learn about. It’s common for someone in an abusive relationship to not recall many aspects of their personality before being abused, especially if they have been exposed to violence for an extended period of time. Sometimes, it may seem as if the violence defines their identity. But know the effects of domestic violence are possible to overcome, and it is possible to break the cycle of violence. Recovery from exposure to domestic violence is possible, and although it requires addressing painful realities, it also entails discovering new inner strengths, a process that needs time, space and safety to begin.

Trauma in the Body

When a physical danger threatens our control, ability to escape, or is something we can’t stop, we enact a natural instinct for survival. This includes the body summoning a tremendous amount of energy to fight or flee—short circuits. These short circuits ricochet through a person’s body and mind. This can result in shock, dissociation and many other kinds of involuntary responses while the violence is happening.

The short circuit stays with us long after the violence ends, and is the origin of the mental, physical and spiritual effects of domestic violence.

Many people who go through traumatic events may find that it can take some time to re-adjust and cope for a period after the event. The residual mental, physical and spiritual effects of domestic violence can permeate the daily lives of survivors, which make it difficult to heal. For some, there are severe effects in the immediate aftermath of an assault that may or may not last. For others, the effects come in waves and are not felt until the shock of the event wears off.

Effects of Domestic Violence

Abuse can have a serious impact on the way a person thinks and interacts with the world around them. The chronic exposure to domestic violence—and the stress fear resulting from this exposure—can cause not only immediate physical injury, but also mental shifts that occur as the mind attempts to process trauma or protect the body. Domestic violence affects one’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors and can significantly impact one’s mental stability. Increased anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder and depression symptoms are commonly observed among survivors of domestic violence.

PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that is triggered by a terrifying event. Some common symptoms associated with PTSD are flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety and uncontrollable thoughts about the event. Many people who go through traumatic events have difficulty adjusting and coping for a while. But with time and support, such traumatic reactions usually get better.

Depression. Depression is more than common feelings of temporary sadness. Symptoms can include prolonged sadness, feelings of hopelessness, unexplained crying, changes in appetite with significant weight loss or gain, loss of energy or loss of interest and pleasure in activities previously enjoyed. Depression can affect a person’s outlook, which can lead to feelings of hopelessness. This, in turn, can impact his or her thought process and ability to make decisions. In extreme cases of depression, people may even experience suicidal thoughts and/or attempts. If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal, refer them to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-TALK.

Depression remains the most common symptom exhibited by survivors of domestic violence. According to a study done in 2000, 60 percent of battered women reported feeling sad or depressed for extended periods of time. For a full list of symptoms, click here.

Dissociation. Dissociation usually refers to feeling like one has “checked out” or is not present. In some instances of dissociation, people may find themselves daydreaming. But in situations where dissociation is chronic and more complex it may impair an individual's ability to function in the “real” world, such as not being able to focus on work related duties or being able to concentrate on schoolwork.

One in seven people who have experienced domestic violence sustain a physical injury. Given the nature of the crime, it is extremely common to retain bruises on the arms from being gripped, broken bones or other physical injuries from abusive incidents. People experiencing domestic violence often cover up their injuries to avoid being questioned by others. Oftentimes injuries are explained by stating one tripped and fell, or breaking something that resulted in an injury. A survivor may avoid speaking openly about his or her injuries due to feelings of shame or because speaking openly about the injuries can place the person at a greater risk of being abused. If you or someone you know is experiencing physical injuries frequently, it might be indicative of an abusive relationship. There are resources to help you here.

Common physical evidence of domestic violence includes:

•Bruises or that look like they came from choking, punching or defending oneself
•Black eyes
•Red or purple marks at the neck
•Sprained or broken wrists

There are also physical effects of domestic violence that affect a person’s overall health. These result from trauma and can manifest immediately after an incident of abuse or later after the abuse has ended. Common physical effects of trauma include:

•Chronic fatigue
•Shortness of breath
•Muscle tension
•Involuntary shaking
•Changes in eating and sleeping patterns
•Sexual dysfunction
•In women, issues with menstrual cycle or fertility

Coping with the effects of domestic violence can be overwhelming, often because the survivor’s control over the situation has been taken away by the perpetrator. When this has occurred, a survivor may have the need to self-medicate or use drugs or alcohol to help him or her cope with the overwhelming feelings. Engaging in self-injurious behaviors can also bring a sense of control over a person’s environment and serve as a release of tension. It is an action that is not always performed with suicidal intent, although occasionally it can result in severe harm or death. These are temporary coping strategies that can lead to deeper issues in the future.

In addition, domestic violence can change one’s worldview and outlook on life. Being in a situation where a person is being controlled by another can create feelings of hopelessness. A survivor may develop a negative outlook in which he or she may feel “damaged” or unworthy of a better life. A perpetrator can chip away at a person’s self-esteem with constant criticism or insults, which can lead the survivor to question her sense of self in relation to the world. A faulty belief system can contribute to feeling discouraged and apprehensive about the future. Domestic violence can also take away a person’s sense of safety and security, influencing his or her ability to trust others. Conflicts with spirituality are also common, especially in situations where the perpetrator used the person’s faith to control him or her. Survivors might feel unmotivated, empty or like reaching out is not worth the effort.

But know that the effects of domestic violence are possible to overcome. Although it often requires addressing painful realities, it also entails discovering new inner strengths, a process that needs time, space and safety to begin. With time spent healing, developing strong positive coping mechanisms and taking care of oneself, such reactions tend to become less severe and it is possible to reclaim positive relationships with others and yourself.

Safe Horizons also has great info as well...

[toomuchjoy]

I wanted to send you hugs as well. Definitely a horrible and scary situation. There are some very wise women here.....