Losing Mother

[cyana]

Mandy - ((Hugs)) to you. I'm glad to hear your sister is coming to be with you and your mom. It's always nice to have an extra set of ears when you're dealing with physicians. Especially when you're under such stress.

By chance, is your mom in a large enough hospital that they have a dedicated palliative care team? I previously worked in a facility that had a very dynamic palliative care team composed of physicians and nurse practitioners. They were very caring, excellent at assessing complex medical situations and discussing ALL the options with the family members. If they didn't feel palliative care was appropriate, they wouldn't hesitate to say so. You could also discuss your need for emotional support with the palliative care team. Palliative care doesn't have to mean terminal care....it should mean helping an individual live the highest possible quality of life under their unique set of circumstances. As an example, I have a friend who was diagnosed with an advanced cancer over 5 years ago. She was assigned a palliative care nurse when she began treatment and continues periodic visits with this nurse even though she's been stable for several years. She has found the visits helpful, as the nurse helps her manage symptoms other practitioners haven't addressed.

Keeping you and your mom in my heart.

[LynnO]

Mandy, another VFer who just wants you to know that I'm thinking of you and sending you wishes for strength through this difficult time.

Is there a someone who is not as emotionally involved that can come to meetings with the hospital staff that is trying to help you make decisions? It is so hard to hear during emotional times, that person may be able to take notes and review the options later and hopefully someone with patience just in case you need to hear the same info 100 times.

[Jennifer R]

Originally Posted by cyana

Mandy - ((Hugs)) to you. I'm glad to hear your sister is coming to be with you and your mom. It's always nice to have an extra set of ears when you're dealing with physicians. Especially when you're under such stress.

By chance, is your mom in a large enough hospital that they have a dedicated palliative care team? I previously worked in a facility that had a very dynamic palliative care team composed of physicians and nurse practitioners. They were very caring, excellent at assessing complex medical situations and discussing ALL the options with the family members. If they didn't feel palliative care was appropriate, they wouldn't hesitate to say so. You could also discuss your need for emotional support with the palliative care team. Palliative care doesn't have to mean terminal care....it should mean helping an individual live the highest possible quality of life under their unique set of circumstances. As an example, I have a friend who was diagnosed with an advanced cancer over 5 years ago. She was assigned a palliative care nurse when she began treatment and continues periodic visits with this nurse even though she's been stable for several years. She has found the visits helpful, as the nurse helps her manage symptoms other practitioners haven't addressed.

Keeping you and your mom in my heart.

Just wanted to say this bears repeating, it is excellent information. A family meeting with you, your sister, your mom's care team and the supportive/palliative care team--as well as a non-family obeserver, if possible--would be very helpful for you.

[bethellen]

Mandy,
Like Diana I wasn't going to read either; I lost my fiancé 1 1/2 years ago. He chose Hospice at the end which saved me from deciding. He was gone in 6 days at age 37. I remember the roller coaster of emotions and my heart goes out to you and hope you find peace knowing you can make the best decision you can - that's all.

Originally Posted by Breezy Trousers

I believe there's a higher intelligence at work in all of this and it's ultimately kind. For example, my dad left my mom's hospital room at 1:30 a.m. to go home to shower & get some rest. (He'd stay with mom in her room and sleep on a cot, usually.) He fell into a dead sleep, but woke with a start at 5:30 a.m. and felt this urgent need to run back to the hospital. My mom passed away just a few minutes after he arrived.

I left Hospice to give my fiancé's parents some alone time with him; and to take a break since everyone kept telling me to. I got the call and he passed 5 minutes before I got back. I was devastated and still am. I've had numerous people tell me he passed because I wasn't there and it was easier for him to let go without me there; I still try to believe that.

Mandy - I don't mean to rattle on about my situation; I really wish you the best and know others are here to help if you need it. God Bless.

[gladgirl]

Hugs to you. May you find a peace in your heart during this stressful time. My best wishes and prayers go out to your family.

[Nuggie's Auntie]

Originally Posted by bethellen

I left Hospice to give my fiancé's parents some alone time with him; and to take a break since everyone kept telling me to. I got the call and he passed 5 minutes before I got back. I was devastated and still am. I've had numerous people tell me he passed because I wasn't there and it was easier for him to let go without me there; I still try to believe that.

bethellen, how difficult! A friend of mine is a nurse for terminally ill patients, and I remember her saying it is very, very common for people to die once their loved ones are out of the room. It's such an interesting phenomenon...

[PrairieGem]

Originally Posted by Nuggie's Auntie

bethellen, how difficult! A friend of mine is a nurse for terminally ill patients, and I remember her saying it is very, very common for people to die once their loved ones are out of the room. It's such an interesting phenomenon...

We had heard this many times, too (my mom has a good friend who works in a nursing home). We lost a family member last November, suddenly after surgery (blood clot), and our family had the same experience. We didn't know what the ultimate outcome would be, but we made sure to spend time with her... and to give her some time alone, as well, so she wasn't struggling to hang on, just for us. Her family was present when she finally succumbed, but she had begun the process of passing on while we were out of the room (doctors fetched us back to say goodbye). It's hard to leave someone you love suffering and alone--but I've come to believe that death can be a very private and deeply personal experience, and some souls need to spend their last earthly moments alone, to move on in privacy. (((hugs)))

[Cybersparkle]

Originally Posted by Breezy Trousers

I forgot to mention one important thing about my mom's passing -- she had a DNR in place prior to being hospitalized and was adamant about not being resuscitated. However, seconds prior to intubating her, the medical staff asked my mother what her wishes were. My mom choose to hang on. Thankfully, my family didn't have to make that decision for her -- she did.



So I'm highlighting what Prarie Gem wrote because it's so true. The situation is likely to change minute by minute and become a roller coaster --- not just for you and your sister but also for your mom.

I believe there's a higher intelligence at work in all of this and it's ultimately kind. For example, my dad left my mom's hospital room at 1:30 a.m. to go home to shower & get some rest. (He'd stay with mom in her room and sleep on a cot, usually.) He fell into a dead sleep, but woke with a start at 5:30 a.m. and felt this urgent need to run back to the hospital. My mom passed away just a few minutes after he arrived. My dad is not a religious man at all, but he is still stunned when he talks about that incredible "luck" of being able to hold my mom's hand as she passed away. Personally, I don't believe that was a coincidence at all. I think my dad was spared having to witness some things at the very end (from what a nurse told us) yet allowed to be with my mom as she passed..... People seem to know what to do in the exact moment life calls upon them to make that choice, however much worry and debate goes into it prior to reaching that stage and however much second-guessing goes into it afterward.

After my mom passed, I had a friend who volunteered in hospice for two years. She saw so many amazing things during that time -- miraculous things which no longer surprised the hospice staff because it was so routinely witnessed -- that her experiences only cemented my belief.

Mandy my heart goes out to you, your Mom & sister. I wanted to validate & affirm Breezy Trouser's & Prarie Gem. In 2005, I was hospitalized for a month, in ICU for several days - and witnessed miracles, too. Whatever your beliefs, know that something is there guiding you for the good. It kicks in & begins to orchestrate things.

I share the following technique because it helped me then & now. It's free & immediately accessible. Whenever I am not actively engaged in doing something - I say in my mind over & over again - ________ is with me. Substitute whatever belief or philosophy brings you the most comfort. It calms me, helps me not worry & somehow draws that guiding force to me & the situation. I'm praying for you & your family, take care.

[Beeba]

You are all in my prayers.

[Pat58]

Mandie, I have no other advice or suggestion than what has been offered - just wanted to let you know that you and your Mom are in my prayers and I'm so sorry that you are going through this.