Losing Mother

[ilovemygreatdane]

This is so heartbreaking. Please talk to your sister. It's a decision for both of you. Your sister should come and be there with you and your mother if possible. Did your mother have any wishes one way or the other or sign any papers like a DNR? Your mother knows you love her no matter what your decision.

My dad died of lung cancer at 61. He chose not to have any chemo, etc. We had to take him to the hospital once and they asked us if we wanted us to resuscitate him if needed. My sister and I both said no. We freaked afterward, but understood why he chose us to be there and not our other siblings. My dad had a DNR and knew we woulld follow his wishes. He did not die then but later.

[raeven]

I'm so sorry to hear you are having to go through this pain. Sadly I had to go through exactly what you are. I'm so sorry I don't really have any advice. My story didn't end well, but in my moms case, she was 60 and was dying of cancer. The stroke happened. She was slipping fast and we had to decide on feeding tubes or not. We opted not to. You have some really hard decisions to make. I will send you prayers of strength and peace!

Edited version: I had my whole story typed out. But honestly, it's too sad, and I figured it wouldn't do you any good or help in making your decision, so I shortened my post. I just wanted to say though, just take heart in knowing you are not alone. I know it feels so incredibly lonely right now...but my mom passed 3.5 years ago. It takes years to even get back to feeling remotely 'normal'..at least it did for me. But time does make things easier to deal with.

[mrsyancy]

Sending prayers and big hugs your way because I can empathize with you. My dad died December 14, 2010 from lung cancer that spread to his liver and bones at the age of 59. It was so hard for us because he had NEVER had any other health issues (that we knew of bc he really didn't like going to the doctor), other than some occasional back problems, so this hit us like a ton of bricks. We learned of my dad's cancer in the beginning of November and he was gone by mid December. We chose to use in home hospice and just give palliative care bc he declined so quickly and was in so much pain, but it was so difficult bc it was hard to come face to face with what that meant, but we knew it was the right thing to do.

I truly hope you and your sister find comfort in whatever decision you make, bc you know your mom best and I think you will know what's best for her when the time is right.

[PrairieGem]

(((hugs))) Although I haven't dealt with losing my parents, I have had to be the major decision-maker in this process seven times (it did not always end in death), and I am now the primary caregiver for elderly family members, including a terminal cancer patient. It's something that is *constantly* on my mind.

The best thing I can tell you is to trust your doctors. They don't know and love you and your mom, but they have the medical expertise, and the experience, to understand the situation, and to explain it to you so you can make an informed decision. Ask as many questions as you need to. Ask them again and again.

You said you don't have to make a decision for a couple of days. It's scary not knowing, I know, and the weight of that uncertainty is crushing... but a lot can happen in that time. Your mom's situation is likely changing hour by hour, and the roller coaster of good-one-minute, bad-the-next is overwhelming. Use the time to get some rest and get your sister there with you so you don't have to face this alone.

Know that your mom raised you to be strong, and that she trusts you and has absolute faith in you right now. You will get through this together, whatever the outcome.

Originally Posted by Breezy Trousers

The hardest part of the process ...was accepting our powerlessness and vulnerability -- - and hers -- at a time when we wanted everything to be in black-and-white and readily defined (to feel we're in control and to override the underlying fear and grief, I guess). IME, all you can do is surrender to it. The process is so much bigger than anyone in the room.

Breezy, this is beautiful and so true, and I will try to remember it next time I'm in these circumstances. ((()))

[Diana3271]

Mandie I am so sorry you are going through this. I wasn't going to read this thread. I faced similar circumstances with my Mom and the situation is still very raw for me. I lost my Mom a little over two years ago, but lost both of my parents within a 5 year period of time. I am an only child and it was devastating for me. I was going to make a longer post, like Raeven, but it just hurts too much and I don't think it would be helpful.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and for guidance for you. {{hugs}}

[BunnyHop]

You have my sympathies, thoughts and prayers.

I have nightmares that I'll wind up in this situation with my dad, and honestly, part of me's just not rational about it so I can't seem to stop having these dreams.

Since she does seem to be alert and aware enough to know you're there, I think I'd make an effort to see if she can give you something like a clear response to basic questions. Can she respond with anything that seems like a clear 'yes' or 'no' ?? (nodding/shaking head, squeezing hand once for yes, twice for no, etc.)
Start with easy questions, just to gauge her ability to respond clearly.

If so, I'd try to explain the situation and the options, and see what she wants to do.

Not an easy situation, or an easy task, but I think that's what I'd do, if it were possible.

Best wishes to all concerned.

[cherimac]

I am so sorry and am praying for you both.

[Paine]

Mandie, I'm so sorry! I feel your grief and your post brought tears to my eyes. I don't have any advice but I want you to know I care and I feel for you.

[ellenc]

I'm so sorry for your pain and this difficult situation.

Palliative care can be a really helpful thing. They can help you talk through decisions about your mom--what is important to her, how to think about quality of life. It doesn't mean that you're "giving up" and people in palliative care can still have feeding tubes and other supportive and curative treatments. They can also bring in alternative options like spiritual care (whatever spiritual means to you and your family) or massage therapy to help relieve pain and stress or pharmacists who can make sure medication combinations are as effective as possible with as few side effects as possible.

I think the best part about palliative care is that they can make sure the whole medical team is working together and communicating well with the patient and the family. Of course it's still a painful and agonizing situation but don't be afraid to talk to palliative care.

[Jennifer R]

Originally Posted by ellenc

I'm so sorry for your pain and this difficult situation.

Palliative care can be a really helpful thing. They can help you talk through decisions about your mom--what is important to her, how to think about quality of life. It doesn't mean that you're "giving up" and people in palliative care can still have feeding tubes and other supportive and curative treatments. They can also bring in alternative options like spiritual care (whatever spiritual means to you and your family) or massage therapy to help relieve pain and stress or pharmacists who can make sure medication combinations are as effective as possible with as few side effects as possible.

I think the best part about palliative care is that they can make sure the whole medical team is working together and communicating well with the patient and the family. Of course it's still a painful and agonizing situation but don't be afraid to talk to palliative care.

What Ellen said is true. Palliative care is also sometimes called supportive care--a person (and family) can have what they need to get them through a very bad time while also giving everybody time to assess the situation and make the best decision. Unfortunately, nothing is black or white during this time, and it's very difficult at best. The social workers and supportive care team can be very useful resources. It's still early, your mom may yet recover some function she's lost. You can take whatever help is offered you now and if it turns out she doesn't need it, that's fine. Helping your mom get what she needs, whatever form that takes, is the priority now.

My thoughts are with you, your heartbreak is evident in your post. Do what you need to take care of yourself. Your mom knows you love her.