Losing Mother

[mandie123]

My Mother who has always been very healthy(92 yrs)other than being in a wheel chair for the last 10 due to not doing rehab after hip replacment had a major stroke a few days ago.She lives with me,EMS was able to get her to a great hospital here in just a few minutes.She could not move on one side and no speech,Neuro Dr gave her a clot busting drug which within the hour she was able to move that side again.The prob is-she still can't swallow or speak,they have inserted a nasal feeding tub,.During the C.T.S they also said there is another small bleed.I'am over there all the time she will hold my hand tight and seems to know what I'am saying.Now today the Dr tells me they suggest watching her for a few days than I and my sister(she's out of town)have to make a decision,either to put in a perm feeding tube thru the stomach or just put her on pallitive care.I am beside myself with grief,I mean she still looks at me and crys when I leave.Has anyone had to go thru this I guess I'am asking? I love her so,and when they tried to explain the pallitive care I just freaked out.I know I guess I just don't want to let go.Sorry for such a depressing post,I'am really tired but will read any replies! Mandy

[cristinalatina]

I am heartbroken reading your post. I have no words to offer you unfortunately, just my deepest sympathy...and perhaps if I were you I would not force myself to decide right now, with my head spinning and exhausted. I would try to catch some sleep lying next to her and holding her. I am so sorry...I do believe she understands. Just hug her, tell her that you love her, tell yourself that you'll decide once you get some rest, and allow yourself to rest tonight.

Hugs...

[amoodygirl]

Mandy - I'm so sorry. These are the hardest and most gut wrenching decisions to have to make. I don't have any advice to offer but a great big {{{HUG}}} to you and yours.

I agree with Cristina - get some rest. It's so difficult to make these kinds of decisions but without sleep and being under the such stress, makes it near impossible.

I'm thinking of you and sending prayers your way.

Diane

[beyond.omega]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have nothing else to offer by sympathy and hugs. I also agree with Cristina's advice.

[txhsmom]

I am so sorry - I will pray for you and your family to have wisdom and peace. It's just so very hard to watch our parents age and suffer with health issues.

Carol

[Demeris]

I'm so sorry. I will pray for you and your mother and your family.

I lost my mother 35 years ago. I still miss her. I think about her every day. My heart goes out to you and your mother.

[JENILU]

I am so sorry you are going through this. You and your mom will be in my thoughts and prayers. I lost my dad when I was 12 to lung cancer, so I didn't have tomake adult decisions. My mother is 82 and my son and I live with her. So I can't exactly say I've been through all this, but my heart goes out to you.
{{{MANDIE}}}

[bee1forfitness]

I have had this experience twice..very recently with a brother who had ALS who had to be placed on a feeding tube. He was able to live for about 6 months before he was put on palliative care and passed away within 3 days. My other brother was put on palliative care and passed away in 24 hours. These are extremely difficult, sad and hard decisions for you and your family to make. If it was my mother I would want to keep her here with me for as long as she wants to stay...I can only base this on your post, but it appears she's not really yet. You don't have to let got, until she tells you she ready. I would mostly likely opt for a feeding tube....she just may recover. I don't think the feeding tube caused any more pain for my brother, although I thought it might have been uncomfortable for a short period until he got use to it. I want to add that when my brother was ready he said so any left us with dignity and grace. With Palliative care they only strive to make your love ones as comfortable as possible, not doing any extra-ordinary medical treatments. Gosh I feel I know how you're feeling right now. My prayers and heart goes out to you and your family, I will make sure I said a special prayer for your mother today ((HUGS))

[Breezy Trousers]

I can hear your pain throughout your post, Mandie, and wish I could take it away from you. That's so incredibly hard to witness.

I can share my experience, though our family didn't have to make crucial, frightening decisions the way you and your sister do .... My mother died from lung cancer in October 2005, a couple weeks before her 61st birthday. We knew she had lung cancer but, like you, didn't really see it coming. Four weeks before her death, she seemed to be doing very well under the circumstances. The doctor suggested she get outpatient surgery on a Friday to address a side effect from radiation treatment, which my mom did. She was home that Friday afternoon, ran a fever all weekend, was admitted to the hospital on Monday, was put into ICU on Tuesday, was intubated by Wednesday and lost consciousness by the following weekend. We were stunned as we watched her slowly drift away from us over the next three or four weeks. The medical staff discussed putting my mother into hospice if she proved to be transitioning toward death or in a nursing home for rehab if she proved to be pulling through, but she didn't even make out of the hospital .... No words for it, really.

People handle grief and dying in so many different ways, and it all has to be honored. Some dying people are afraid to be left alone. Others, like my mom, only want to be left alone .....There's no textbook for these things .... The hardest part of the process for my family, besides watching my mother die, was accepting our powerlessness and vulnerability -- - and hers -- at a time when we wanted everything to be in black-and-white and readily defined (to feel we're in control and to override the underlying fear and grief, I guess). IME, all you can do is surrender to it. The process is so much bigger than anyone in the room.

[bzar]

my mom went thru this with her younger brother 2 years ago. i went to the hospital with my mom, and she was very sad, and consulted with our priest when the decision was made. the brother was unable to swallow, was already unconscious, and had difficulty breathing. his medical directive was for a "do not resuscitate," and they moved him to hospice. he passed on within 2 days of when the feeding tube was removed.

the inability to swallow was the most devestating in terms of my uncle's swift decline. not being able to do that risks choking, as you probably are aware.

4 of her siblings passed on in the last 3 years, all younger than she. mom is a retired RN, so she is very aware of the states of a patient's health. i feel so bad for my mom - she has 1 brother left. she's in her late 80s and pretty healthy in mind and body. i feel for you, Mandy - i have been mentally preparing myself for the day when my mom will pass, and i get so emotional.

please take care.