OT - Destination Weddings

[summer breeze]

One of my DD's closest friends from college had a destination wedding last year. It was a Caribbean cruise and it's something my DD wanted to do anyway so she saved up for it and treated it like a vacation/wedding. She absolutely loved it and had a great time as did the others who went. I don't think they invited a ton of people and I'm sure they weren't offended by anyone who couldn't make it. My DD and many of their other friends would have had to travel to their wedding anyway since they all live in different states, so I think this worked out even more fun for the friends involved.

[Vantreesta]

I think a couple key points have been made. One is I think the couple should be understanding about anyone who doesn't attend, and two is that as families spread out more a lot of weddings become "destination" even if they take place in the couple's home state. My cousin chose to do Mexico bc for them it was cheaper than doing a traditional big wedding at home. Amazingly they had close to 100 guests at their wedding btwn family and friends! For me the idea of either a big wedding or a destination one feels extravagant but that's bc hubby and I are very plain and simple. Our wedding was at my in-laws' farm, outside, with I think fewer than 30 people including us and the pastor. I think it's just awesome the wide range of options available and I was thankful no one tried to push us into an indoor wedding with everyone invited.

[eam531]

DH has a niece who's getting married next year. While it is not a destination wedding for the bridal pair--California--it definitely is for us here in NY State. It would require at least one plane change, plus hotel, rental car, etc. etc.

We're fond of our niece but quite honestly it's just too far and too expensive for us. Also DH is in a high-risk group for the virus. I hope others in his family won't give us the stink eye ... but DH found out that his older brother in Texas doesn't intend to go either, so we don't feel too bad about not attending.

[Nuggie's Auntie]

Originally Posted by BigBadBetty

I think people (both the hosts and guests) should remember that an invitation is not a summons.

This is an excellent point. Couples who have destination weddings need to be understanding if people can't go, and those invited need to feel that.

However, I will say that destination weddings do provoke angst in me. My cousin, whom I adore, just got engaged at Christmas. She and her fiance were talking about a destination wedding, possibly even to a foreign country. I love her very much. She has faithfully attended all our weddings and major life events, even when celebrating some of those events for herself eluded her. Now she is engaged at 42 and I really, really want to be there for her wedding and rejoice with her.... but the thought of having to travel to some of the suggested locations is not appealing. Not that I don't want to visit those places, but there are a lot of logistics (and expense) to traveling. If they don't want kids there, that is a huge issue... with whom would my kids stay? One of my kids has some special needs so it would be really tough to come up with a good solution. I would probably have to go alone and DH would stay with the kids. (which actually sounds kind of nice, now that I think about it! )

I think often times couples don't factor in the increased schlepp and expense if you have to accommodate kids and pets for a destination wedding. I know when I was getting married I didn't understand how exponentially harder it is to make a trip happen when you have dependents. A friend of mine got married in CA about 10 years ago. We flew out for her wedding. We just had one child at the time, and we were able to stay with my in-laws. The wedding was about two hours from their house, so we left our son with them and stayed over one night in a hotel. So all in all, it wasn't terribly hard or expensive for us given we were able to combine it with a family vacation.

Another friend of the bride lived in Chicago with her husband and baby. She also worked full-time, and decided they just couldn't make it to the wedding. She wrote a very sweet, somewhat anguished email to the bride explaining that they really couldn't make it, she was so sad about it and sent a gift. Our mutual friend, the bride, was really upset that the Chicago friend didn't come. She wrote her this long email after the wedding asking to talk it though, that she really wished the friend could have been there, etc. I totally sided with the friend. I told the bride that expecting a cash-strapped, full-time working mom with a little baby to fly halfway across the country for your wedding was not a realistic expectation. She and the friend still ended up having a falling out over it and they still haven't spoken.

So, in sum (sorry I know I'm really blathering on about this!), I think brides and grooms need to be very understanding about this sort of thing. Also if people decline being in the bridal party because of expense. It makes it really tough because you feel like your relationship is on the line sometimes, like will your friend/relative feel that he/she isn't enough of a priority in your life if you don't consent. It does bring up a lot of issues for some people. In some cases, the bond between people may not be that strong, but in others, the decision to accept an invitation or not may have everything to do with circumstances and nothing to do with the affection you feel for the couple.

[Vantreesta]

Our friend's sister was supposed to get married in Mexico several years ago and kids were not invited. Hubby and I were their only option to keep the kids for a week but it would have meant I would have either had to take the week off work or get special permission to work remotely since they live about an hour away from us. The engagement ended up being broken and there was no wedding but I thought it seemed insensitive of the bride to expect her brother to attend but not allow her niece and nephew to go as well.

[Eibhinn]

In some cases I think people choose destination weddings because they're more convenient for guests - for example, when the couple lives in a very expensive place that isn't anywhere near either of their families. I think in a lot of cases people are opting for them now when they start wedding planning and get overwhelmed and just want to buy a package to avoid an exhausting year making ten thousand superficial decisions. I also wonder if there aren't cases where people don't want a huge wedding but also don't want to feel bad about excluding people, so they opt for the destination wedding knowing it will effectively shrink the guest list while delegating the difficult decisions to other people. Because I think most couples are reasonable enough to realize attending a destination wedding is extremely inconvenient and impractical for most people.

But not all couples! In one of the most clueless examples I've ever seen, a friend of my sister had her wedding already planned and scheduled to take place in our hometown. About three months before it was supposed to happen she suddenly decided her dream was to have a destination wedding, which they hastily booked. We're not from a wealthy area, so this put all of her guests - who had already RSVP'd - in a really awkward position. Everyone but the bride's and groom's immediate families canceled. Every guest. Although they initially tried to figure out how to make it work, even the bridesmaids and groomsmen, all broke recent university grads, had to bow out. It was a bit of a trainwreck.

[Vintage VFer]

We had a destination wedding and didn't invite anyone, LOL! It all went very well and we have fantastic memories.

[Malinda]

Originally Posted by Vintage VFer

We had a destination wedding and didn't invite anyone, LOL! It all went very well and we have fantastic memories.

We went to Vegas & got married at the Graceland Wedding Chapel. It was perfect!

[Stephanie_B]

Personally, I can’t fathom having a destination wedding now or a year from now. Maybe it’s because I’m cheap and wouldn’t want to lose my deposit if COVID stuff changes for the not so good.

At any rate, friends of ours had one last year. It was actually a renewal of vows. They lost their only child tragically and that was the big reason we said yes before hearing where it was. We Also went because we hadn’t had a vacation without kids in nearly 20 years, I missed Mexico, and they were in a position to pay all expenses for everyone they invited that couldn’t. We were floored as we were strapped for cash initially, but karma came through and DH got a bonus that covered it almost exactly so we didn’t want to take advantage or anything.

There were at least fifty other people there, family and friends from Australia, US and Canada.

It was beautiful and very much needed. We also stopped for ourselves in New Orleans visiting ZERO family which was also much needed.

I wanted a destination wedding. Alone. Me and my soon to be husband. Outside near the ocean. It didn’t work out that way and we got married in a literal barber shop where the owner was a JOP. I’d say it’s sad, but nah it still cracks me up.

I told my daughter have a destination wedding, it’s for you! Don’t be angry or upset at those who can’t come. Or elope. Or have a big wedding, but remember don’t be upset if a friend can’t afford to be in your wedding.

I have no idea what she’ll do, she’s type A but also spontaneous at times LOL.

STILL, now seems like the oddest time to plan a destination wedding. Two weddings we were suppose to go to were canceled after being postponed a few times this spring. The two couples just had small ceremonies instead.