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Old 04-03-12, 06:33 PM  
FirmDancer
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Lexy's post, and then Deb's also made me ponder and re-visit my episode with depression. Besides the scope of "lite" to "dark" and the level of people's tolerance, there is also a difference between "chronic" and an "acute" episode. An acute episode may be no longer or shorter or more or less intense than chronic depression, but it's usually related to an event. For me, I was trying to get out of an abusive marriage. It was very bad. And then my dad passed away.

I remember exactly the moment I fell into depression, even though it was about 15 years ago. At that time, I worked in downtown Baltimore. I was on my way to the office, walking along the Inner Harbor, and something clicked. Or didn't click. Mentally I fell into the hole.

It was like I was encircled by a bubble. I was an observer to the world around me. For months, I alternated between numbness and pain. I never considered taking my life, but everyday I wondered how I would live - the mental pain was so great. I was on medication for awhile, and eventually recovered. Getting away from the abusive relationship was a key to recovery.

Yes, as others have said, wondering what workout I would do was never a concern. How I would survive the next five minutes was all I could think about. As Deb said, identifying a focus and sticking with it was helpful.

That's why my heart breaks for Sean; I can't imagine dealing with pain like that for years.
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Old 04-03-12, 06:57 PM  
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Originally Posted by Debbie S. View Post
You see, I live with a spouse who believes that depression is not an illness, but a sign of weakness. I take no medication, because he says that I don't need it. I know the simple answer would be, "screw you!", but it's not that simple. I don't know what the future holds for me. I honestly don't.

.
Debbie, I really hope that putting this in writing will empower you to seek medical help. It's not easy and you don't necessarily need to say "screw you", how about "this will be one of those issues in our marriage where we will never agree, but it is something I have to do." Maybe you can have your son or parents assist you in exploring treatment. You don't even need to tell your husband.

I do understand where you are coming from. My husband is a bit the same way about a family member, not that depression is a weakness, but he is in total denial about the probable mental illness. Without his help I cannot force the issue, only try to persuade this person to accept treatment.

You are worth it.
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Old 04-03-12, 07:40 PM  
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(((Debbie))) You are an amazing woman.
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Old 04-03-12, 08:04 PM  
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Originally Posted by ooty View Post
{{{{Debbie}}}, {{{Lexy}}} and all others who have posted here... huge hugs. It pains to me come here now, but I had to hug Debbie.


I have this quote etched in my mind

Be Kind; Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle.

As one grows older, it is easy to see not a single person's life is perfect. For life is just not meant to be perfect, then we would never appreciate anything.
So grateful to all of you who have opened my eyes and heart in so many ways.

{{{HUGS}}}
Ooty's post above expresses my thoughts as well.
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Old 04-03-12, 08:18 PM  
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Originally Posted by ooty View Post
{{{{Debbie}}}, {{{Lexy}}} and all others who have posted here... huge hugs. It pains to me come here now, but I had to hug Debbie.


I have this quote etched in my mind

Be Kind; Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle.

As one grows older, it is easy to see not a single person's life is perfect. For life is just not meant to be perfect, then we would never appreciate anything.
So grateful to all of you who have opened my eyes and heart in so many ways.

{{{HUGS}}}
Debbie and Ooty - Hugs to you both. I haven't checked in at Belly Busters since my mom passed away. You are in my prayers dear friends!
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Old 04-03-12, 08:38 PM  
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(((Debbie))) You are an amazing woman.
Yes, Debbie, you are an amazing woman and an inspiration to all of us here. I have never been prone to depression, maybe, that's why I work out so much, so I don't get depressed, who knows. You should seek help as someone mentioned from your children and parents. Lately though, I hve been struggling with my BFFs death in January. It seems like lately, this last few weeks has been extremely hard on me. Since we bought land together and built our houses together 22 years ago, we always had each other only a house away. Now, she is gone and buried in the cemetery that runs along our easement that we share. She is actually buried right in front of her property. I ride by the gravesite everyday. My life has totally changed when she died. Living here isn't the same and never will be. I just have to work through it.

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Old 04-03-12, 08:48 PM  
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Originally Posted by Debbie S. View Post
Beautifully put, and I agree with you 100%.

I've been dwelling on Lexy's post since yesterday and I wasn't sure how to respond.

For me, I've described mine as a dark tunnel without any daylight to be seen. I guess because I look at it as a glimmer as hope this way. I've been in this tunnel several times in my life, and I've been in this tunnel for the last 5 years. What has kept me going is my parents, my son, and as silly as it sounds, my cat!

I have used exercise to numb my pain, to empower me. Not normal exercise, but super tough exercise. I've always told my check-in buddies that they can tell what I'm going through in my real life by reading my posts.

I don't wake up in the morning wondering what DVD I'm going to be doing that day. Every single morning I wake up the first thoughts are; "Focus point, you've gotta have a focus point", and, "If you believe in yourself, you can overcome anything!" Then I embark on a workout that is going to numb my pain and empower me.

You see, I live with a spouse who believes that depression is not an illness, but a sign of weakness. I take no medication, because he says that I don't need it. I know the simple answer would be, "screw you!", but it's not that simple. I don't know what the future holds for me. I honestly don't.

Sean's death has really hit me hard, because it was Sean who helped me get through my darkest periods in my life; the death of my nephew and the illness that my son has been fighting for the last 5 years. Had I known that Sean suffered, too, maybe, just maybe, I would have reached out to him.
Debbie I know that Sean though very highly of you as he told me so himself. I have hesitated to post on this thread . As some of you may know, Sean came to my house for a few months to help my son. It was hard for me to reconcile the person who came to my home and Cardio Coach, the superstar with countless fans. I frequently spoke about it with DH, and it disturbed me to the point that we quit the training sessions. I didn't feel close enough to him to broach the topic or push it any further than, "How are you doing? I know something will come along and you'll get Cardio Coach back on track.". There were people reaching out to him, but it was not enough. From what I saw, his perception was off. As his sister wrote on FB, there was a clear disconnect with who he was and how he saw himself, and it was very painful to witness. We emailed a few months ago and he wrote that he had a girlfriend and was happy with his cats. . He did say that developing any more cardio coach workouts was"complicated.". At the time, he was teaching 1 spin class a week at LA Fitness. My father and grandmother had severe depression. I understand how difficult it can be. The husband of a good friend at work just spent 2 weeks in the hospital getting shock treatment. I've had students whose heads I've had to hold as they vomitted over the trash can because their anxiety was so severe. There are definitely people out there who don't believe in psychiatric help. Until you've suffered horribly from something like depression or been crippled by anxiety, I don't know if you're qualified to make that call.
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Old 04-03-12, 09:32 PM  
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I just want to say that I am both moved by some of the posts here and inspired by the strength of the posters and appreciate the sharing of their struggles. If anything positive can be gained from Sean's death maybe it is that what we do and say and how we treat others really does matter and we really can make a difference in someone else's life. He certainly did make a difference to many people and it is tragic that he may not have realized this in his darkest hours.
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Old 04-03-12, 09:35 PM  
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I just want to send cyberhugs to all of you who are suffering or have suffered in the past. And to Sean's family. It's all so sad and I've seen firsthand how hard it is to help people who feel helpless. I hope this thread helps someone though!

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Old 04-03-12, 09:43 PM  
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Oh my gosh, this is a novel.

tl dr: medication isn't the only way to treat real depression. We need to rethink our ideas of the problem.

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Medication isn't always the answer. It often has really unpleasant side effects. I tried various medications when I was at my worst, and hated them all. For one thing, some of them raised my blood pressure significantly which is not a good thing, so I no longer take anything.
I want to follow up on this. Medication works great for lots of people, but it's not the only way to treat some mental illnesses, including most depression (not all). Most of the research I've seen shows the best long-term results from a combination of medication and therapy. Medication to get someone to where they can work, and therapy to help them see their traps and to avoid them in the future.

It worries me the way our culture tends to believe that "real" (medical, not faking) depression can only be treated with medication and that "fake" ("merely psychological") depression gets treated with therapy. We should think of psychological therapy more like we do physical therapy. In many cases, there is an imbalance for some reason (it's not clear that the reason is always biological in origin*). As a result, one develops habits trying to accommodate the imbalance. Just like when there is a physical imbalance--it might be caused by an injury, a weird habit or an attempt to accommodate a natural physical variation. In either case, once we fix the imbalance, the unhelpful habits also need to be addressed. There should be no more shame in going to a psychologist to work through issues and develop better mental habits than there is going to PT to fix a limp or malfunctioning joint.

The only reason that I survived my adolescence is that I believed in reincarnation and believed that if I killed myself I would have to come back and relieve the same lessons. The only idea worse to me than continuing on was the idea of having to come back and start over. I didn't find a therapist who helped until grad school (and much to my chagrin, I have found behavioral/cognitive therapy more helpful than more "touchy-feely" kinds). My depression isn't as deep as many people's, but it has also been something I've dealt with going on 30 years now. It waxes and wanes, but it is almost never far. But I've learned skills that help me recognize when it's getting ready to make a move, and skills to help keep it at bay.

I worry that our belief that either mental illness is medical (and there is nothing we can do about it other than take medicine) or faked/a sign of weakness (as evidenced by the need for therapy) leads to people dying because the medication isn't enough to solve all of their problems (e.g. I had a friend who was still making TERRIBLE decisions even though she was on anti-depressants. The drugs couldn't keep up with her bad habits, but she didn't believe therapy could help because she had "medical" depression).

Of course part of the problem is that it can be tricky to match a person needing help with the therapist that is appropriate to them. I am drawn to more touch-feely/"let's talk about what happened when you were a child"-type therapists, but the fact is, I do better with ones that are more behavioral in approach [they give me homework behaviors to practice and I report back]. While we have no problem accepting that it might take a few tries to get medication right, we don't tend to accept the same process might be necessary for finding the appropriate therapist.

Minds/brains are very complicated things, and we should encourage anything that could help people.


*(they can't actually show the cause of depression--we talk about "chemical imbalance" but the data to support that is simply that drugs seem to work. That's not great evidence for that theory).
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