Off-Topic My Neighbor Insulted Me

TracyQ · 07-15-20, 09:16 AM

I had rotator cuff surgery for a major tear in November and had a pretty brutal recovery all winter and into the spring. My surgeon was so worried about it re-tearing he didn’t want me using my arm except for some PT and stretching.

In June he finally cleared me to start moving it again but by then I lost almost all my muscle that I worked so hard at gaining over the past two decades. My arms are out of shape and I have a lot of sagging skin. I have considered keeping them covered but I get too hot with long sleeves so I wear short sleeves.

One of my favorite things to do is stand up paddle. I live on the ocean so whenever I have free time I go out and paddle. My first time out after surgery I could only do it for 5-minutes because I have no upper body strength but with consistency I was finally able to go for a full hour early yesterday morning. I was so pleased with myself. But then I got back to the beach and one of our neighbors came out and started chatting with me. During the conversation he said to me “I remember when you looked good”. I said wow that is so rude I can’t believe you just said that to me. And he said why? You know what I mean. I was so taken aback that I was speechless. I cried when I got home.

This man is not a close friend but my husband really likes him and we talk to him and his wife when they are kayaking and we are paddling. I don’t want to talk to him again. My husband doesn’t think it’s a big deal and thinks I’m making too much of it.

How would you handle this? I’m trying to let it go, but I will never go out of my way to talk to this man again.

bubbles76 · 07-15-20, 09:25 AM

Is this man often clumsy with his words? Did he try at all to apologize or rephrase what he said? It's possible this guy was just so surprised after not seeing you out for awhile that he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind. Very rude I agree.

You shouldn't feel obligated to talk to someone that you don't feel comfortable talking to. I'm sure he and his wife will notice and inquire. When they do, be honest about why you don't want to talk to him. His wife will probably ream him worst than you will

Let the comment go for your own good, not his.

Don't let his rude comments derail your accomplishment. You've made wonderful progress in such a short time. Also, you handled his rudeness far better than I ever could.

ddj · 07-15-20, 09:57 AM

Your feelings are valid, whether your husband or this man understands that. I must admit I'm disappointed that your husband would choose not to be more supportive, but I'm assuming it's because he's a man. In my experience, most men are clueless. They really don't think there's anything wrong with these kinds of comments.

If you don't want to talk to him, don't. And if anyone gives you grief about that, tell them to deal with it. As I said, your feelings are valid whether anyone understands or agrees.

Bubbles is right; you've made great progress and should be proud of that. I'm proud of you, and I don't even know you. Keep it up!

kittybug · 07-15-20, 10:10 AM

The snarky part of me wants you to say something like, 'And I remember when you weren't such a [insert preferred curse word here].' But that's usually my inside voice and not terribly helpful!

I am SO sorry you had to experience this! You have every right to feel how you do. I'm also willing to bet if his wife catches wind of this, he'll be sleeping outside.

And you also have every right to be so very proud of how far you've come...an hour stand-up paddling is absolutely amazing, but after shoulder surgery, that's like super-human stuff!

alisoncooks · 07-15-20, 10:16 AM

That statement was rude! Haven't we all learned it's rarely appropriate to make comments about someone's physical appearance?! Especially in the negative!

Congrats on your recovery and improvement! I know you must've felt awesome (until he peed on your parade).

Here's my (now funny) neighbor story: We used to live near a socially-clueless older lady. She said all kinds of crazy things. Once she told me that my DH had gotten fat. But that must mean we're happy because: "fat and happy!"

Vintage VFer · 07-15-20, 11:30 AM

How rude! And how frustrating that your DH doesn't get how much it hurt.

((HUGS Tracy))))

If you can't avoid him, just smile and minimize the conversation with him. There is no good retort to a butthole.

fanofladyvols · 07-15-20, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vintage VFer

If you can't avoid him, just smile and minimize the conversation with him. There is no good retort to a butthole.

Wellll
You could offer him toilet paper to wipe the crap coming out of his mouth...

frogribbit · 07-15-20, 12:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ddj

Your feelings are valid, whether your husband or this man understands that. I must admit I'm disappointed that your husband would choose not to be more supportive, but I'm assuming it's because he's a man. In my experience, most men are clueless. They really don't think there's anything wrong with these kinds of comments.

If you don't want to talk to him, don't. And if anyone gives you grief about that, tell them to deal with it. As I said, your feelings are valid whether anyone understands or agrees.

Bubbles is right; you've made great progress and should be proud of that. I'm proud of you, and I don't even know you. Keep it up!

THIS!!! Agree 100% I would be so mad and my feelings would be very hurt.

frogribbit · 07-15-20, 12:09 PM

[QUOTE=kittybug;2882202]

The snarky part of me wants you to say something like, 'And I remember when you weren't such a [insert preferred curse word here].' But that's usually my inside voice and not terribly helpful!

Love this

Unfortunately sometimes my inside voice accidentally becomes my outside voice.

kristiep · 07-15-20, 12:13 PM

He’s a jerk. Avoid him as much as possible. If he tries to engage, I’d be giving him the silent treatment.

Life is too short to spend ANY time talking or engaging with jerks. It’s one thing to have to deal with jerks because of a job - hard to avoid that - but if this is your personal life, keep that sacred and don’t let them in!

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07-15-20, 09:16 AM
TracyQ Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Boston, MA	My Neighbor Insulted Me I had rotator cuff surgery for a major tear in November and had a pretty brutal recovery all winter and into the spring. My surgeon was so worried about it re-tearing he didn’t want me using my arm except for some PT and stretching. In June he finally cleared me to start moving it again but by then I lost almost all my muscle that I worked so hard at gaining over the past two decades. My arms are out of shape and I have a lot of sagging skin. I have considered keeping them covered but I get too hot with long sleeves so I wear short sleeves. One of my favorite things to do is stand up paddle. I live on the ocean so whenever I have free time I go out and paddle. My first time out after surgery I could only do it for 5-minutes because I have no upper body strength but with consistency I was finally able to go for a full hour early yesterday morning. I was so pleased with myself. But then I got back to the beach and one of our neighbors came out and started chatting with me. During the conversation he said to me “I remember when you looked good”. I said wow that is so rude I can’t believe you just said that to me. And he said why? You know what I mean. I was so taken aback that I was speechless. I cried when I got home. This man is not a close friend but my husband really likes him and we talk to him and his wife when they are kayaking and we are paddling. I don’t want to talk to him again. My husband doesn’t think it’s a big deal and thinks I’m making too much of it. How would you handle this? I’m trying to let it go, but I will never go out of my way to talk to this man again. __________________ Tracy Cellulite is not a character defect.

07-15-20, 09:25 AM
bubbles76 Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: New Jersey	Is this man often clumsy with his words? Did he try at all to apologize or rephrase what he said? It's possible this guy was just so surprised after not seeing you out for awhile that he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind. Very rude I agree. You shouldn't feel obligated to talk to someone that you don't feel comfortable talking to. I'm sure he and his wife will notice and inquire. When they do, be honest about why you don't want to talk to him. His wife will probably ream him worst than you will Let the comment go for your own good, not his. Don't let his rude comments derail your accomplishment. You've made wonderful progress in such a short time. Also, you handled his rudeness far better than I ever could. __________________ "You humans have the potential to be the most wonderful beings there are - if you can get past all these enormous stupid spots you seem to have in your hearts. It's not your fault. You just don't know how to work your hearts right yet. That's why there are dogs." - Jim Butcher, Zoo Day

07-15-20, 09:57 AM
ddj VF Supporter Join Date: Oct 2008	Your feelings are valid, whether your husband or this man understands that. I must admit I'm disappointed that your husband would choose not to be more supportive, but I'm assuming it's because he's a man. In my experience, most men are clueless. They really don't think there's anything wrong with these kinds of comments. If you don't want to talk to him, don't. And if anyone gives you grief about that, tell them to deal with it. As I said, your feelings are valid whether anyone understands or agrees. Bubbles is right; you've made great progress and should be proud of that. I'm proud of you, and I don't even know you. Keep it up! __________________ Jumping for joy is good exercise.

07-15-20, 10:10 AM
kittybug VF Supporter Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: State of Confusion	The snarky part of me wants you to say something like, 'And I remember when you weren't such a [insert preferred curse word here].' But that's usually my inside voice and not terribly helpful! I am SO sorry you had to experience this! You have every right to feel how you do. I'm also willing to bet if his wife catches wind of this, he'll be sleeping outside. And you also have every right to be so very proud of how far you've come...an hour stand-up paddling is absolutely amazing, but after shoulder surgery, that's like super-human stuff!

07-15-20, 10:16 AM
alisoncooks Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: TarHeel country	That statement was rude! Haven't we all learned it's rarely appropriate to make comments about someone's physical appearance?! Especially in the negative! Congrats on your recovery and improvement! I know you must've felt awesome (until he peed on your parade). Here's my (now funny) neighbor story: We used to live near a socially-clueless older lady. She said all kinds of crazy things. Once she told me that my DH had gotten fat. But that must mean we're happy because: "fat and happy!"

07-15-20, 11:30 AM
Vintage VFer VF Supporter Join Date: Nov 2001	How rude! And how frustrating that your DH doesn't get how much it hurt. ((HUGS Tracy)))) If you can't avoid him, just smile and minimize the conversation with him. There is no good retort to a butthole. __________________ Goal:250 / Done:91 POSTURE CHECK!

07-15-20, 12:09 PM
frogribbit VF Supporter Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Kansas	[QUOTE=kittybug;2882202] The snarky part of me wants you to say something like, 'And I remember when you weren't such a [insert preferred curse word here].' But that's usually my inside voice and not terribly helpful! Love this Unfortunately sometimes my inside voice accidentally becomes my outside voice.

07-15-20, 12:13 PM
kristiep Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Georgia	He’s a jerk. Avoid him as much as possible. If he tries to engage, I’d be giving him the silent treatment. Life is too short to spend ANY time talking or engaging with jerks. It’s one thing to have to deal with jerks because of a job - hard to avoid that - but if this is your personal life, keep that sacred and don’t let them in!