Off-Topic OT (sort of?) - Overweight SO

[Terri1222]

I'm going to bare my soul here as I know you guys would be the first to understand.

My husband has let himself get FAT, borderline obese. While he's always been a 'big guy', he is now to the point where his doctor is telling him he has GOT to take the weight off as it's obviously affecting his health.

I'm not going to go into numbers (i.e. scale, height/weight) - suffice it to say that he is clearly overweight where it is now affecting his overall health.

I OTOH have always been a fitness fanatic. I've been working out since I was 18 (I'm 57 now), and while I may have tapered it down from Cathe high impact cardio, I still do *something* on basically a daily basis, whether it's walking, yoga, spinning, pilates, some weights, you name it. It's almost like brushing my teeth on a daily basis - it's part of my regimen.

When my husband and I met over 17 years ago, he was also into fitness, and that was our greatest thing to do together. Meet at the gym, then go out for a salad, etc.

I've kept up that practice - however, once he basically married me, he dropped it like a hot potato. Obviously doing it to "get the girl", but that was it.

And for years, I've stayed - watching him yo-yoing up and down with his weight. At one point, he was nearly 380 lbs - while he's not that heavy now, he certainly isn't far from it.

He knows the whole deal - he knows about eating right and exercising, lowering the carb intake, getting rid of sugar. Yet he keeps going back to it.

I realize this is probably something I should explore in therapy. But I feel like I *know* all of you guys, and we all have that mindset of staying healthy and stuff.

So here's my question: Would you stay with your spouse if he/she became extremely overweight? (And trust me, I feel badly even asking that question).

I mean, I'm getting near retirement and I'm not sure I want to go into my "elder years" with someone who will end up being reclusive because of his weight. Is that being selfish?

Anyway, I would appreciate any thoughts/advice/ANYTHING. Even if the words are harsh - I can take it.

Terri

[Season]

I get it. Frankly it effects you too. If you want to be able to be active, enjoy and have fun during your later years, you have to stay active and take care of yourself. If your mate isn't willing to do that, how is that going to effect your life? Yay, you don't get to go anywhere or do anything, at least not together, so you get to go by yourself. So what's the point of being a couple? I don't mind taking care of someone when, through no fault of their own, they become disabled, but damned if I'm willing to flush the rest of my life taking care of an invalid that could have done something but didn't.

I recommend a book, Younger Next Year. It might be the wake-up call your mate needs. I bought it for mine (a few years ago), but he hasn't read it yet. He's heading down the same trail. He has never been into fitness or health, so I am approaching it from a different angle since he doesn't have the info. He's boarderline diabetic and I've been quite clear that he doesn't have to be and it's his responsibility to take care of himself. I'm starting out with just asking him to eat 5 fruits and veggies a day. Not telling him what he can't eat, just asking him to get those in.

At sixty, I may have only 20 years left so I'm not willing to share it with a drooling mate who's a TV iv couch potato. YMMV. Best of luck.

[Vintage VFer]

Terri, it must have been so hard to post your story. (((HUGS))) to you.

All I know is that you will not and cannot change another person. I've known folks who have had heart attacks, eat well for a few weeks and then go back to their old unhealthful ways. I call it "Slow Suicide."

Unless, your DH will agree to couple counseling for this issue, you are on your own. Perhaps you could see a family therapist by yourself if DH is unwilling?

[Taiga]

I love my husband dearly. We are in it thick and thin. I can worry and certainly feel the emotional pain that comes from watching someone you love decay and hurt because they won't make changes. But he is my best friend and he'll have my love and support until death wrenches him from me.

ETA: second the ((HUGS))

[poohpeggy]

It is great you have courage to share. IMO, find physical interest he likes and START SLOW. Swimming, walks, pickle ball, canoeing, biking, at home treadmill/elliptical, even at home boxing with inflatable bags ...etc. Just ask him what he misses.

Now, for myself who just started over as a beginner, I just told myself any movement was better then sitting in a chair. I went slow but steady.

I just stuck with no pressure attitude but did daily movement and then the diet thing just naturally came later. I do not go to gyms. Exercise at home is much less anxiety.

The key for me was to stick with the mentality that ANY MOVEMENT IS BETTER THEN NONE. I do not compare my past performance to my new performance because my health has changed. Onward and upward, not what I used to be.

[DawnP]

Terri,
I feel for you, I can tell this is VERY hard, having a priority your husband doesn't share. That is super-tough.

I hear your concerns for his health. But i have to ask a more basic question - do you still love him? Are there other aspects of your marriage that you really enjoy? Do you share other interests together? Did you raise kids together?

I ask because it's important to consider the entire relationship and how much you respect one another. I've been married 30 years and my heart still goes pitter-patter when DH enters the room. We are in two completely diff fields of work and yet I'm excited when he has a good day and he always stops what he's doing to listen to me talk about mine.

In the long run, what's the most important is aside from your husband's physical state, do you want to be with him for his support (emotional and otherwise) for the rest of your life?

I think there's another angle here - my DH wants to live a long healthy life so he doesn't burden ME. Ditto for me. We have a shared interest in fitness and a mild interest in good diet because we want to be there for each other and for our DD and future grandkids.

It doesn't sound like your husband feels that yet.

Last but not least, there's the "in sickness and in health" part. I have an auto-immune disease that flares up. My husband is very supportive and has rerouted much of his life around my limitations. I love him even more for that. I know his family has a strong history of certain cardiovascular diseases and cancers and I plan to be there for him in full force. He is the best part of my life.

That's the sacrifice you make for someone you truly love.

So while I think you can encourage change in your DH, my bigger question is - do YOU want to be with him for the full duration? If he's sick and weak or unable to walk? Or if YOU are? You say you are near retirement and you're not sure you want to be with someone who doesn't prioritize his health & fitness. What if one of you has an illness that negates your health? Would you push him in a wheelchair? Feed him through a tube? Would you want him to do that for you?

I know it's a cruel question, but I'm being realistic. I think everyone should have the chance to feel love that lasts through sickness and in health.

I wish you only the best.

[sherry7899]

Dawn- I was going to post basically what you just said. Thank you!

[wishiwasinhawaii]

Just curious about something. You said:

however, once he basically married me, he dropped it like a hot potato. Obviously doing it to "get the girl", but that was it.

Do you know this for a fact (has he said this) or are you assuming? If this was what he did then it sounds like he kind of tricked you in a way (you thinking you were marrying one type of guy and then he turns out to be the opposite).

[bzar]

PM me if you need to.

i'm very sorry about what is happening to your DH and touched that you care enough to seek advice.

have you heard of the Dean Ornish Heart Disease Reversal program? Medicare covers it, and our health plan (HMSA) recently began covering it. the fact that Medicare covers it says something.

i just completed it this past summer. it's not easy, but effective in holding the patient accountable. you meet 2x/week for 9 weeks. each session is 4 hours long, but it consists of 1 hour each of:

yoga
a meal - they cook it for you - plant-based and very low fat
group discussion
exercise (cardio, weights)

i've seen many people get their lives back - lots of people at my work place have done the program. some meat-eating carnivores totally convert themselves.

change comes from within, as everyone has posted about, or the alternative is to be in an accountability program like Ornish. other health plans have come up with similar programs, but Ornish has a whole-support approach.

i'm sorry but people just don't change unless they want to. but i understand what you mean about retirement. if he continues on this path, you'll become a full time caregiver, and do you want to spend your retirement doing that?

[FirmDancer]

You have a very complex situation. I have several friends going through the same heart-wrenching process, whether it's a parent or an SO that will not take care of themselves. On the other hand, anything can happen to us at any moment, no matter how fit or healthy we think we are, and would that person stand by us?