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Old 08-05-21, 09:56 AM  
sherry7899
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
I am totally disgusted with people and need to vent...

I apologize in advance for my rambling.

I had planned to hold a celebration of life for my husband Frank on October 9th. I had hoped back when I picked the date that things would be better by now, but with the Covid cases and the delta variant cases rising, I have had to make the decision to postpone it. I had picked that date because it was John Lennon's birthday, and Frank was a huge Beatles geek. It even fell on a Saturday.
We have friends that would be flying here from Texas and Florida and various other states, plus driving from other states. I cannot take a chance of anyone getting sick. (please, I do not want debates on Covid, or vaccines or politics. That is not my point).

It was an agonizing decision. I have been in limbo since losing him last December. He did not want a wake or service. I knew that even though he passed suddenly. He always told me that, so I am honoring his wishes. I have barely gotten to see anyone because of Covid. We have seen a few people, but it has been months of grieving mainly with my sweet son.

I notified people yesterday of the new date-on Frank's birthday the end of March. I really hope things improve by then.

A very good friend of mine from high school lives across the country. She said she could not come to the original date because she could not get off of work. I sent her the new date, and she said she likely cannot come because she will be celebrating her own birthday the day before. Seriously? I am beyond livid and disgusted. If she had said she was nervous about Covid, could not get time off of work, or could not afford it, fine. But to say that she can't come because of her own birthday when Frank is gone, will never get another birthday, and this is to honor him and support me, I have no words. Frank loved this friend. They clicked the minute they met back in 1989. I am so upset, and I can't write her back because I don't know what words would come out.

Then I heard from Frank's cousin...his only cousin. She had promised to speak. Frank always said if anything happened to him, to have her speak because they have the same warped sense of humor, and she is a great public speaker. She told me she may be away on vacation. She will let me know. Really? Frank was there for her when she lost both her parents. He stood in for her father and gave a speech at her wedding because her father passed the month before. He was petrified to do it, but did it because she asked him to. She had promised to be there for their grandmother's funeral to support Frank's mom year ago, but was she? No, she was on vacation, not that far away in NJ and did not come back to attend and support anyone. I just wrote her back to let me know. I can't get into it with her because I will say things that cannot be unsaid.

What is wrong with people? I just am so utterly and totally disgusted with how selfish people can be.....
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Old 08-05-21, 10:02 AM  
Leonana
 
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I'm so sorry Sherry. I have relatives like that too, and it does hurt a lot. Sending you hugs.
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Old 08-05-21, 10:05 AM  
Rivercat
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Aw, Sherry that sucks. {{{hugs}}}
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Old 08-05-21, 10:06 AM  
suzanne63
 
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I am so sorry Sherry. I am sorry that happened. I will be praying for you Love and hugs.
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Old 08-05-21, 10:18 AM  
BunnyHop
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
I can relate to your struggles.

The only thing I can do is try to remember that people grieve in different ways, both in how they express it, and how much time they give it. People are also typically reluctant to express the more complex feelings they may have, so it's hard to interpret their actions in meaningful context.

My father died almost three years ago, and back then, I was so stunned at his sudden absence that I really could barely function for a long, long time. Sure, some of it was likely depression and anxiety, but another part was just that I'd shared my life with him for so long I could hardly imagine how to move through my days without our connection, our mutual goals and mundane routines. My life was all about what WE did, and what I did for him. Losing him, I lost a huge chunk of my sense of self. That was a huge jolt to my system, and figuring out how to find my own way of daily life has been a series of fits and starts. Most days I go through the motions because I know the various bits add up to something helpful and supportive, but it doesn't quite feel like my own life all the time. Learning to let go of that old sense of purpose and pick up a new one is a huge struggle for me. Still very much a work in progress.

Another thing I've noticed about other people is that beyond a certain point, they're just ready to move on and simply don't cope well with memorials. Travel is also a huge deal for some people.

This present situation in the world is hardly typical, and in some ways I'm beyond stunned at the depths of the loss I sometimes feel. My general hope is that in some way we all learn to share each other's grief with a new appreciation of the fragility of life and the oh, so brief time we are able to meaningfully connect with others in this life.

Peace to you,
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Old 08-05-21, 10:24 AM  
summer breeze
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Sherry, so sorry to hear this. Unfortunately I can't say I'm all that surprised. I've seen so much selfishness since covid started that it's mind boggling. But to have close friends and relatives behaving this way is beyond disappointing. It just adds to your loss and grief. I know how you've been struggling and know my thoughts are with you. I hope you can come to terms with this and celebrate with those who do show up and move on from these other people. Please pm me if you want to talk further {{hugs}}
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Old 08-05-21, 10:41 AM  
donnamp
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Join Date: Nov 2001
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All I can do is give you ((HUGS)) Sherry. It is very disappointing that these people are letting you and your family and Frank's memory down at a time like this.

I had a situation once with someone who I thought was a good friend who completely abandoned me when I needed her - it was shocking to me to realize that our friendship was not what I thought it was. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else you are going through - there is never a good time for the losses you have experienced but this is truly one of the worst times to face them.

I just wish you peace and hope that whatever celebration of life you have for Frank that it brings you what you need to carry on. ((HUGS))

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Old 08-05-21, 10:45 AM  
zraipel
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This is timely, because I've really been having trouble with grief lately over the loss of my mom last October.

We were in the same kind of limbo as you, Sherry, when it came to planning the memorial. We also chose to do a Celebration of Life and did not do an immediate service/memorial. She also passed suddenly, and none of us was ready to do anything right away. We ended up having the celebration in January of this year. In some ways it felt wrong that we let so much time pass before doing anything, but in other ways, I still feel like we could have waited to plan something bigger/better. I think a lot of people wondered why we didn't do a funeral right away (and she was cremated so that timing wasn't an issue), but she wouldn't have wanted a somber setting in the local funeral home. All in all, it ended up being beautiful and many of the people closest to her were able to attend. But several people still couldn't make it because of their own Covid vulnerabilities, personal reasons, etc. We (my brother, sister and I) are no longer in touch with her brother - our uncle - anymore because of the way he and his wife dealt with the situation. Some people are only concerned with how other people can benefit them and my mom did not benefit them enough before she passed, even though she was the most unselfish person I've ever known.

I did feel a sense of relief and weight off of me - and I know my sister did as well - after the service because there had been so much apprehension about what we should do and was is right or good enough. But now, close to 1 year later, I still feel sad and/or angry every day. Some days more than others, but I've realized recently that my overall disposition has changed since she passed and I don't know how to move on past it and feel happy or unbothered by things like I used to. I don't know if it's because her death was so unexpected. It also didn't feel real for the longest time, especially because she had been in Ohio the past 2 years taking care of her parents (my grandfather passed away the year before) and sister. I think maybe it's sinking in more now that more time is passing.

Anyway, sorry to go off on a ramble. I just really want to say that grief is hard enough without having to worry about how everyone else is acting. When they act like jerks, it adds anger to the sadness in an already emotional time. I'm tired of being angry at jerks (and just random ones in my everyday life, as well, not just the ones I know) and I don't know how to keep myself from feeling anger. I guess it's part of the grieving process. But it sucks.

I'm really sorry you're going through this
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Old 08-05-21, 10:46 AM  
gladgirl
 
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I am sorry you are dealing with these responses from people you hoped would come and give meaning to your event/celebration of life. And while you and your son are still grieving.

I don't know what it is...but people and that includes close friends and family are just behaving in very strange/selfish ways. Some are downright rude and thoughtless.

I truly hope you're able to have your event and be able to disconnect with those adding pain. Lots of Hugs to you and your DS.
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Old 08-05-21, 10:59 AM  
Gams
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Ditto what Anna said. My favorite saying is “You can’t control what other people do, only your reaction to it.” I would go on with your plans and make everything the way you want and ignore these people.

When my husband died, hardly any of my family came to his celebration of life. My stepdad was dying at the time, so my mom couldn’t leave him. My dad was worried about hotel accommodations because it was being held during the National Finals Rodeo so he didn’t come. I never heard anything from my younger sister and never heard a peep from my best friend, either. The thing that bothered me most, though, was that several strangers CRASHED the celebration and helped themselves to food and sat and listened to the band. I always thought people tried to avoid funerals, but I guess if there’s food involved, that’s another story.
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