Off-Topic My 12 year old daughter

[Lilypad]

Good Morning,
I hope you are all doing well and are having a great morning. My 12 year old daughter is in the 7th grade and she really dislikes school. Her grades are not too bad but I know she could do better. She just doesn’t want to study and put in the effort. When I make her study she will do well. EX: When I studied with her for her Science test she got a 93 The 1st marking period just ended and she failed 1 class which was Social Studies (57). She passed the rest of her classes but 2 barely and the rest were high 70’s and low 80’s. I know she knows the material cause when she studies she does well. It’s not like she’s not understanding the material. Anyway my questions are- At what age do these kids realize that school is important and that they need to do well and it’s not like this whatever attitude? And she’s in the 7th grade do I really need to sit down and study with her like hold her hand?
Thanks for any advice you may have. This is also causing a big problem between my husband and I who’s an ex marine/ retired detective and his idea of punishment to me is totally ridiculous !!!! Help :0

[beyond.omega]

I have 0 children, so you can take the following with a grain of salt. But I have a couple of thoughts.

1) Have you tried talking to her about what's going on with her non-academically? I ask because middle school is a tough time for kids, and she may be struggling with personal issues ranging from general identity issues to serious inter-personal issues to even psychological issues. And she may not have anyone to talk to, or know how to talk about it. She may just be genrrally needing attention, even if it doesn't make sense at her age.

2) Your daughter may be just fine, but unmotivated. If that is the case, you could try incentivize her with money for grades. When I was in grade school, several kids in my school (a small private school) had parents who did just that. As a child, I thought it was bizarre, but those kids did make good grades, and apparently they only would if their parents paid them to. (As a side note, my little brother made good grades for free, but got paid to do household chores. I couldn't believe it because my sister and I were expected to do them for free. )

[Sancho]

Every kid is different and you are probably going to have to try several strategies until you find the one that works. Though you may not like your husband's method, this would probably work with some kids, other kids, it would make them rebellious. You need to figure out what will work with yours. As a kid, I was self motivated from kindergarten. I expected my kids to be the same, but they were not.

I have twins that are seniors this year and honestly, up until 9th grade, I had to do a lot of the motivating for them. Most nights I would sit with them while they did their homework. Sometimes I would be helping, other times, I was just there for moral support. In hindsight, I think that because I put the time in and made their homework my priority, they realized that it really was important and that they needed it to be a priority also. Eventually, they became known as "smart kids" and then their self esteem was wrapped up into it. By ninth grade, they were self motivated and I was able to step away.

Some will say I was overly involved but this is what worked for us.

[wishiwasinhawaii]

I don't have kids, but I do have a niece the same age as your daughter. It sounds like your daughter doesn't have trouble with the material, so that's a major plus. At that age it's tough for them to see a correlation between school and success in later life, but you could use yourself or any successful women as role models and maybe that would motivate her. I do that with my niece. I've brought her to work with me so she can see what I do and explain how I got where I am and introduced her to my boss (who is a very high achieving woman) and I think that really helps.

[Lilypad]

Thank you all so much for the suggestions. They really have given me some good ideas. This is her 3rd year in middle school and her last. HS in September. I know that this is a tough stage she’s going through right now. At the moment her friends are everything she cares and thinks about now and I get it I was once at that age. I also remember being a kid of the 80’s. Life was so simple. I don’t ever remember my mom helping me with anything EVER. I was a latch key kid who took care of my younger brother but it was all good. I turned out ok
I’m thinking I’m just going to have to help her study and stay on top of her and her school work even though I thought I already was
I thought about the money thing but I’m not there yet. Especially because she’s so money driven but she does chores so I already give her an allowance for that. Between her and her sister they may leave me broke LOL
IT’s just so damn hard being a mom. Ughh sometimes I wonder if I’m doing it right. It’s such a fine line with everything.
I’m listening to this podcast called THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING and it’s the best podcast I’ve found yet. The one thing that the stories have in common is that they were all screwed up by their parents one way or another. Anyway Happy Thanksgiving to you all!!!

[bee]

When she gets to high school there may be enough emphasis and "peer pressure" to get her self-motivated -- kind of depends on what kids she is hanging out with and what the high school is like in general, but at our local high school I know several girls who are being treated for anxiety disorder there is so much pressure all around them (related both to academics and just general "keeping up with the Joneses).

[MomOf2Gremlins]

Hang in there, it'll get better! ((( Hugs ))) Go with your gut instincts! As a mom, that's been my best realization a while ago when we had a little rough patch with our teenage DD (at that time 14). [My DH is also a former Marine/criminal investigator, so I hear ya!]

[Lori_Michigan]

My 7th grade son (also 12) is exactly like this, when I help with homework/studying he gets all A's. When he does it on his own, he usually gets D's. Homework wasn't getting turned in, books not being brought home, getting bad grades on quizzes/tests.

We had him evaluated for attention deficit disorder (inattentive type) and he's off the charts for it. We tried meds but made him feel horrible, we're trying mindfulness therapy now but after a few months, that's not working either.

I wish I had some suggestions, but if you're like me, you've tried them all. I just wanted to you know you're not alone, and I think it's very common among this age set.

[LynnO]

Lilypad, many hugs. Being a parent can be difficult and exhausting.

You did mention her friends are everything- you may have to move the discipline there and stick to it. What happens if she's grounded (truly) or her phone is taken away? Edited because I know it can be so hard, but I do think failing a class is a huge deal unless someone doesn't understand the material.

I have many sympathies. My daughter was quite difficult, but we made it through. School was the one area where she generally did OK, no matter how bad everything else got. But the one semester she had a crisis and got a few C's - totally limited her choices of colleges here in CA.

[bzar]

Originally Posted by Sancho

I have twins that are seniors this year and honestly, up until 9th grade, I had to do a lot of the motivating for them. Most nights I would sit with them while they did their homework. Sometimes I would be helping, other times, I was just there for moral support. In hindsight, I think that because I put the time in and made their homework my priority, they realized that it really was important and that they needed it to be a priority also. Eventually, they became known as "smart kids" and then their self esteem was wrapped up into it. By ninth grade, they were self motivated and I was able to step away.

Some will say I was overly involved but this is what worked for us.

thanks for this tip. our youngest is going through this at 10th grade in high school, and i'm hoping to employ your technique.