Not entirely OT: Sleep problems with partner

[ebianco]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if there's any advice you have or experiences you can share about sleep problems you have had with your partner? My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year and our relationship is just wonderful but my sleep quality has been steadily declining. As a result I am finding it difficult to get up to exercise in the AM (which I usually look forward to and have had this habit for 10 years) and am tired all day, and because of my fatigue my other healthy habits (eating, productivity/motivation at work, feeling energy on the weekend to socialize and go out) are also declining.

Our main issues:
1. Cuddling...I LOVE that we cuddle but it wakes me up and it takes a while to get back to sleep. He has restless leg syndrome but won't admit it, but his legs wiggle on for 30-45 minutes and I can't fall asleep with the constant moving. If I move over (but often he sleeps in the very middle of the king size bed and I can't get far enough away to not feel the wiggling of his legs) I still can't get back to sleep for 20 minutes or an hour. And sometimes (not routinely but seems to be getting worse) it is so bad I try to get some sleep on the couch It is very low quality sleep.
2. Different sleep schedules...I'm an early bird and I prefer to sleep from about 9 pm through 5:30 am weekdays (weekends not an issue). He has insomnia and is also a night owl so he doesn't come to bed until about 2:30 or 3:00 am. Our schedules are SO different that I don't ever expect us to synch up, but I am being woken every night at this time.
3. Snoring is also an issue, but I wear ear plugs so that isn't too big a problem. He does NOT want to get a sleep study for any of the sleep problems and already said he will NOT wear a c-pap. Furthermore, he told me he doesn't want the disruption of ME wearing a c-pap either (I don't think sleep apnea is my issue, but I've heard the amazing restorative qualities of people who use a c-pap).

This morning (after sleeping on the couch) I was so frustrated and I told him I wanted to set up another bed (for me) for weeknight use (weekends would sleep together), but he was so offended and actually shut the door in my face, which he has never done After following him around the house, he finally said he would sleep somewhere else so he would never have to disrupt me. From his tone of voice it seemed very likely that he would resent me for that if I ever agreed to it.

I love being affectionate and don't want to push him away, but my personal well being is really starting to take a toll. I am worried sleeping apart will deteriorate our emotional connection, but am also worried I'm heading down an unhealthy and unproductive personal path.

Does anyone have any suggestions?? I already wear ear plugs, an eye mask (which mostly helps with the light issue when he comes in at night), and a headband because he has to turn the fan up when he comes in, and my hair tickles my forehead. I have politely asked him to please let me sleep (emphasizing that I DO want to cuddle but at another time) and sometimes he does let me sleep, but not usually. I know he wants to be with me, and I do too (I am feeling way guilty here) but I am so frustrated at the same time.

What else can I do, besides just sleep apart on weeknights? I'd love to find another solution that doesn't require us to give up a shared bed, but feel like I've done what I can to work around the night interruptions.

Oh also I have taken melatonin but I'll still get interrupted when he comes in, and I'm too drowsy in the morning to exercise. He won't take a sleep aid because he says they don't work for him.

Any stories or recommendations? I'm desparate for ideas and would love any responses!

Sorry for the long email, I'm frustrated and rambly cause I'm tired

[SpiritSong]

Sorry I have no good advice for how to sleep together as my husband and I ended up with separate bedrooms, and now I sleep great (with the dog).

I may read too much Carolyn Hax, but I'm not liking boyfriend's reaction to the problem. If he can't sit down and talk about it in a calm manner, it doesn't bode well for other issues that may arise in the future.

Best of luck to you, and hopefully someone else here will be more helpful!

[laurajhawk]

My DH and I also have different sleep schedules, pretty similar to what you describe. In many ways this works for us -- I have my "me time" including exercise in the morning, and he has his at night. But we have had to make some accommodations!

I do (nearly always) wake up when my DH comes to bed. Also, he sometimes goes out to jam nights (he's a guitar player) and comes home around 11 or 12, causing the dogs to bark. I want him to come say "hi" when he gets home anyway, so that's another awakening. For me the key thing is whether I can get right back to sleep. I do use a sleep mask for light and usually go right back to sleep after 10 minutes or so maybe. DH is great about wearing headphones when he watches TV or plays music, so noise isn't an issue.

It sounds like the biggest problem you are having is that once awakened, you're not going back to sleep quickly. I have had this problem sometimes and for me, valerian root is the miracle cure. I don't take it regularly anymore (although in the past, sometimes I have), and there can be issues if you take it daily for weeks (can lead to depression and you must recognize that and take a break, like no valerian one week per month). Now I only take it if I've been having problems, but it seems like it might help you break the no-sleep cycle so I recommend it. It is very gentle, doesn't make me groggy in the morning, and doesn't have any side effects that I'm aware of UNLESS you take it daily for a long time.

Good luck!

[ardnas]

My husband and I no longer sleep in the same bed/room because he also has RLS, snores, and woke me up almost every hour with moving around, breathing heavy, sometimes even accidentally hitting me or rolling over on me in his sleep. We use our bed to snuggle, read together, and to be intimate, but when it comes to sleep, at the end of the day after sharing time together, we go our separate ways and let me tell you I have never been happier and slept so well!!
We do occasionally take a nap together when I am really tired.
As long as you keep your closeness and do things together, you're sleeping - you're not going to miss being together or any special time.

ETA: he tried every supplement recommended by his doctor to stop the RLS and all the snoring aids and none of them worked before we decided to sleep in separate rooms.

[momofcha]

I could have written your post with the different sleep schedules. I need and love sleep, my BF hardly ever sleeps. We have solved the issue by separate sleeping beds. Not ideal, and we do cuddle and snuggle, but then sleep separate. Sleep is too important to me.... Sorry I have no advice, but I can totally relate....

[Kitten]

My husband & I have been together for nearly 20 years. We both have sleep issues. He's a snorer I'm restless.
Sleeping separately works for us. It's just a fact. We still kis s goodbye every time one of us leaves & we cuddle together to watch Netflix. You can always snuggle a few and then go to your separate bed.

P.S. I your avatar "and that's how Equestria was made".

[momofcha]

Originally Posted by Kitten

My husband & I have been together for nearly 20 years. We both have sleep issues. He's a snorer I'm restless.
Sleeping separately works for us. It's just a fact. We still kis s goodbye every time one of us leaves & we cuddle together to watch Netflix. You can always snuggle a few and then go to your separate bed.

P.S. I your avatar "and that's how Equestria was made".

OMG - this is us too! We look forward to our time snuggling on the couch watching CSI: Miami..... it works for us too

[momof10]

I have been with my hubby for over 42 years and him and I are opposites like you said you and your boyfriend are with sleeping habits. My DH snores and also has RLS. He seems to have RLS more when he consumes caffeine at night. He stopped drinking caffeine in the afternoon and evening, so his RLS doesn't happen as often. Also, he goes to bed after I am sleeping since I get up really early to work out. The key for us is he comes in the room quietly and no snuggling and is considerate of not flashing any lights in the room. He walks in the dark room and does fine with that. He would NEVER want to sleep separately either, so we compromised.

I think your boyfriend should listen to your concerns and take the time to think about how this is affecting you and not just think about himself. Relationships are all about giving and not just taking and wanting things your own way. It sounds like you love him and are willing to compromise, so let's hope he will reciprocate and let you get your much needed rest and sleep.

Cheryl

[casey]

I feel your pain. I love my dh very much and we've been married over 25 years. We still enjoy doing activities together, eat dinner together every night as a family and are intimate. However, we sleep separately. How bad does he snore? He went on a fishing trip many years ago and the guys who went with him formed a line and individually shook my hand when he got back from his trip. Everyone in his family has this issue, even his slim and fit sister.

The one thing I considered but didn't try is purchasing two extra long adjustable single beds. They equal the size of a king size bed but when he moves around in his sleep, he won't shake you because your mattresses are separate. Plus you can get a base that raises and lowers the head. For some who snore, raising their head stops it.

My dh is so loud that even with earplugs in a closed room next door, he can wake me at times. He even wears nasal strips, which make him breath well but doesn't stop his snoring. So this was my only solution because it was really affecting my health and my wellbeing. Now we are much happier, as a couple and individually. Just make sure you continue to have a close relationship and activities together. He will adjust if you present it as a normal, healthy solution. And yes we do cuddle together just like Shammy and Kitten, too.

The way you get him used to it is you buy a single mattress and put in in another room, if you have a spare room. Then if he wakes you, you just go to it and go to sleep. It will be much nicer than a couch. If you don't have a spare room, slide it under your bed and pull it out if you have to. Then at least he won't be shaking you and you can put your earplugs in. After a while he will see that you are still intimate together and close and he will accept it. My dh didn't want me to do it either but then he saw how exhausted I was and once he saw how much happier I was, he accepted it.

HTH Casey

[Pratima]

I feel so much better reading all these posts! I've been married for 12 years, my DH snores and also has RLS and won't go to a sleep study. He also works overnights so his sleep cycle is all messed up.

In some ways, it's better that he goes to bed later because if I'm asleep when he gets there, the snoring doesn't always bother me. He sometimes sleeps in the guest room if we've gone a couple of nights where he's snoring a lot (waking me up) and I'm worn out. I always felt for that somehow, but all these posts have shown me it's not a horrible thing to want sleep!

And IMO, if he won't go to a doctor, then he should be the one to sleep elsewhere. I <3 my bed!