OT - would appreciate your input on a holiday issue

[Gams]

My boy friend just called and said his son is having Thanksgiving dinner at his house this year - he’s in his 30’s. We see him for dinner usually once a year unless he’s looking for money and then he’ll call or have his mom call. I told my boy friend I don’t mind at all if he goes, but I didn’t know if I’d be comfortable (It will be his son, my boy friend’s ex-wife, and her brothers and sister there), so my boy friend hung up on me.

The way I look at it is that I’m an exceptionally good sport all year - my boy friend helps his ex a lot - he’s worked on her septic system, put a new toilet in for her, fixed windows, yard work, etc. and I have never said a peep not even when he lied to me and told me it was someone else’s septic system he was working on or when he had ME go pick up her new toilet even though she drives the same kind of vehicle I do so she could have picked it up but he sent me and lied, telling me the toilet was for someone else. And he won’t do anything at my house - the pile of brush he was going to take to the dump for me in May is still sitting in my yard and he wouldn’t even start my lawn mower for me this summer - I managed to get him to start it just twice all summer. So any way, I haven’t complained at all and just feel like I should be able to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas and not have to do something I’m not going to enjoy.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[bzar]

sorry he hung up on you. if he had the courage to invite you, it sounds like he's wanting to induct you into the family circle, which I think is a nice thing.

but if he sensed that you weren't interested, maybe that is why he hung up - sorry it's hard to decipher the dynamics from reading a paragraph.

at some point, you two will probably be talking to eachother again, and i'd try to at least reconcile with him on this latest interaction to try to explain yourself, and that if he goes, he has your blessing. maybe schedule something for you two earlier before Thanksgiving, or whatever it is you do to celebrate.

some people won't even bother inviting their "new" GF along, so him asking you, I think, seemed nice, and that he was proud of you enough to invite you.

[SpiritYogi]

Originally Posted by Gams

Any advice would be appreciated.

Had a boyfriend like that once. Dumped him and now have a man who -- although we have our disagreements or differences of opinion from time to time -- never lies to me and treats me with respect, which includes taking my thoughts and feelings into consideration.

To maintain a level of sensitivity to your personal situation (in particular, the way your boyfriend treats you), that's all I'll say. I wish you the best.

[DirtDiva]

I'm sorry in advance if I'm too blunt, but you did ask for advice.

I believe you have taught him what behavior is acceptable by being a “good sport” in the past. After reading your post, he lied to you several times and you allowed that without complaint. It’s pretty obvious he still feels responsible to his ex-wife, but he shouldn’t lie about it. That’s a deal-breaker…on top of you not getting any help when you ask for it. Something tells me he knew you’d not except that invitation, and him hanging up on you was turning the whole thing into your fault (nice passive-aggressive move). Personally, if I had a boyfriend who asked me to pick up a toilet and it was for his ex, and knew he was working on so many projects for her (and lying about it)… I’d find someone else.

[Kathy G]

It doesn't sound like he's taking your feelings into consideration. I would be very uncomfortable in that situation and probably wouldn't want to go either.

Try explaining how you feel in a more straight forward way. Sometimes you think they understand but they don't unless you point it out. I've learned to never assume my DH knows how I feel (because most of the time he doesn't unless I say something!)

Let him know he is more than welcome to go to the dinner without you, that you understand he wants to be with his son. Maybe he feels bad leaving you behind?

[MARIKA]

Maybe he asked you to pick it up because he knows you work out!!

Seriously though I totally agree with Dirt Diva.He knows what you'll put up with and by hanging up he's putting the blame on you. Remember we teach people how to treat us. If he couldn't get away with it he wouldn't do it. That toilet thing though.....

[Gams]

When his ex-mother-in-law died this summer, he asked me to go to the graveside service for the family and luncheon. I told him I wouldn’t be comfortable and he went by himself and everything was fine.

We’ve been together for 6 years and engaged for two, but I would never marry him because he has some kind of mental illness. He’s accused me of being jealous before, but then when I had my cancer surgery and was waking up in recovery, he handed me his phone and it was his ex-wife on the phone! I asked him once why he did that if he thought I was so jealous and he said he didn’t remember doing it.

I’ve known for a long time I need to get out of this relationship, but for some reason I don’t.

He lies about EVERYTHING. He even lies about his age - he says his birth certificate is wrong. And he lies about when he graduated from high school - I found out when people were asking him if he was going to his high school reunion. One lady asked me if he was going and when I said the reunion was the year before, she said, “No, it wasn’t - we were in the same graduating class.”

[dnna]

hi Gams,

Lying is bad. and he has lied to you a lot. maybe more than you know or want to know. I was married to a liar, and it ended badly for me.

I only wish you the best and you deserve good people around you.

may you be healthy and happy! and choose wisely.

[Kathy G]

Originally Posted by Gams

When his ex-mother-in-law died this summer, he asked me to go to the graveside service for the family and luncheon. I told him I wouldn’t be comfortable and he went by himself and everything was fine.

We’ve been together for 6 years and engaged for two, but I would never marry him because he has some kind of mental illness. He’s accused me of being jealous before, but then when I had my cancer surgery and was waking up in recovery, he handed me his phone and it was his ex-wife on the phone! I asked him once why he did that if he thought I was so jealous and he said he didn’t remember doing it.

I’ve known for a long time I need to get out of this relationship, but for some reason I don’t.

He lies about EVERYTHING. He even lies about his age - he says his birth certificate is wrong. And he lies about when he graduated from high school - I found out when people were asking him if he was going to his high school reunion. One lady asked me if he was going and when I said the reunion was the year before, she said, “No, it wasn’t - we were in the same graduating class.”

Wow, he has some issues! But I think you answered your own question in this response.

The relationship isn't going to progress for valid reasons. Maybe you're staying for convenience because you're reluctant to be alone? But you deserve so much more than what he's giving you. Believe in yourself and move on!

[nyskier]

Hi Gams,

You deserve better. I don’t trust people who lie, and he has lied a lot. As one of the other people said, you really don’t know what else he has lied about.

Wish you the best!

Lori