Off-Topic Tubal ligation

[Leonana]

My dd is 14. We had only one because I married late in life, and had dd when I was 41. We did want two, but are very happy with just dd. Sometimes I wish we had another one, but for dd, so that she can have a sibling.

However, Cristina I can relate to your feelings, because that is why many times I am glad I only have one. If I feel this guilty over the job I'm doing with one, the guilt with two would be overwhelming!

Reading this thread has helped me too. We put so many expectations on ourselves, and it's impossible to do all that we think we should.

Originally Posted by cherimac

We have all been there, hon. Truly. I swear my oldest could quote entire Thomas the Tank Engine shows and I swore I would not park him in front of the TV. My three ate fast food, when I swore they wouldn't. Now the kids are 18, 17, and 14 and I realize those are the minor things. The years of love and care, laughter and fun, are things I will cherish-and so will you.

And heck, even as a SAHM I would have had a nanny help, especially in your circumstances.

Oh, and I had my kids in Mother's Morning Out once a week so I could have three hours alone. Best thing ever.

It was the same for me and I completely agree.

[JackieB]

Originally Posted by yogapam

Digital miscommunication can be an issue!

Absolutely. I know online friends can be great, but honestly I think this topic has run it's course. Cristina, I feel for you and think you have received a lot of support and honesty regarding the topic of having more children, birth control, and just being crazy tired and isolated.

If you and your dh are unable to resolve this issue on your own, I'd encourage you to get some counseling together. A good mediator with a kind listening ear could help you both come to terms and agreement together.

The virtual world is great for rallying around, supporting, and at times misunderstanding. Nothing can take the place of sitting down and working through issues face to face.

[Jacqi A]

I think the problem is that you already have two kids, Cristina.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I'd get the nanny, try to sort things out with DH & postpone the TL decision for now, although I doubt you'll want another child later. I'm sure DH has good intentions, but he is not seeing the reality of the current situation, he is clinging to his fantasies. Whether he manages to understand what is actually happening or not, you can find ways to make your life better.

[Buzzer]

Originally Posted by cristinalatina

I just want to cry, I want to believe that I'm a good mother so much.

Despite the morning cartoons so I can get showered and dressed upstairs. I DO THIS EVERY DAY.

Despite the kiddie meals that are not made from scratch from yours truly. EASY MAC! SHE ASKS FOR IT BY NAME!

Despite yelling at 5 am after I've been sitting at the rocking chair for an hour longing to go back to my warm bed. TOTALLY HAVE DONE THIS. MULTIPLE TIMES.

Despite handing him my iPhone so that he can watch nursery rhymes on youtube while my husband and I have dinner. SHE CAN WORK THE PHONE BETTER THAN I CAN. MY FRIENDS ARE IMPRESSED, I'M SOMEWHAT EMBARRASSED.

Despite the fact that I've cleaned his bottom just with baby wipes and didn't lift my 29 pound toddler to the wash basin to wash him with soapy water the 3rd time he went number 2 today. WHAT, I WENT A WEEK? A WEEK AND A HALF? WITHOUT GIVING HER A BATH. THAT'S JUST HOW IT GOES.

Despite the fact that I don't give him stimulating play right now and I'm just typing this. HERE, KID. WATCH MICKEY MOUSE. I WANT TO CATCH UP ON FACEBOOK, VF AND THE BABY BOARDS.

Despite the fact that I really want some time on my own away from my boy.NOT EVEN GONNA COMMENT. EVERY FREAKING DAY I DO.

Despite the fact that I intend to have just the one, and that conveys the message that I wasn't happy with the first one, according to my husband (he is an only, and seems to think that parents of onlies by choice just did not want to repeat the experience)

Seriously. I do all of this, and them some! Right now, my 2 year old girl is sleeping, it's 5pm (she went down for a late nap), and I know I should go wake her up so she sleeps well tonight, but I just am putting it off. The quiet is sooooo nice!

I haven't read all the responses, but I found a baby group on meetup.com (I don't know if you have access to something like that), I go to the trampoline place called "Jump Street" and I call it the Mommy pickup bar. All the Mom's chat while the kids run around in plastic play houses, jumpy trampolines, and blow up trains. You walk out with phone numbers. Go to library story times. Let him play with the toys afterwards. My DH works a full time job and started a business when I was 6 months pregnant, so he does his job then goes to the shop until 8, 8:30, sometimes 10 at night. I am really on my own with this girl. I love her madly, but I get burnt out, and don't think DH gets it. She's a really good girl, but it's a lot!!

I tune out a lot, use my phone, get headphones and listen to podcasts or the radio... Don't feel guilty about your parenting. I call it "sometimes just surviving". The TV is a good babysitter.

Oh, and a mommy friend of mine made us some "cloud dough" which is 8 cups flour and 1 cup baby oil, and I got a plastic under the bed storage container that I put 2 batches in, and LB will play in it for an hour. Or just put rice in a bin. It makes a mess, but cleans up easy with a broom or vacuum. Anything I can do to keep her busy is awesome with me. Trust me, you have nothing to feel guilty about... everything you said is stuff I have done, my sisters have done, and my Mom confessed she did with us!! you aren't permanently damaging him. Do you remember much about being under about 4 or 5? Me either.

I figure she has learned how to use technology earlier so it'll be easier for her later on in life. I've yelled over stupid things, and felt bad. She recovers, and is no worse off.

Seriously. Lay off yourself. Relax. I wish I would have learned that lesson sooner! I was the stressed out Mom for the first about 2 years of her life, feeling like I was failing. Now, if we lay in bed all morning with her watching cartoons on the iPad and I play on my phone, and we don't change out of our jammies, I call us occupied.

Hugs girl!! you are doing FINE.

ETA to add: I was gonna be the Mom that cooked from scratch, her kid didn't eat cereal, I ate paleo and she was going to also... none of that happened. I fought with myself more than I fought with anyone else about how to raise her!!! If your husband offered a Nanny, do it. Even a day or two. I wish we could do that! DH tries to be home on Monday evening to give me an evening off, but usually it ends up being just a few hours. It's frustrating going from having lots of time to yourself to none. Now that she's 2 1/2, it's getting easier, but dang, I can totally relate to your frustration!! Huge Hugs!!

[Joni O]

I agree with Jackie about getting some counseling. I don't mean this in a negative way, but it sounds like you, your husband and the two of you as a couple might have some issues to work through that have nothing to do with your son or having/not having another child. These were likely issues before you had your son, but your current situation is bringing them to the forefront now.

[cristinalatina]

Originally Posted by topfitmama

Cristina,
Reading your posts, it seems like your husband's issue has more to do with him not wanting to have an only child than with him wanting to have more children. I want to ask him what is keeping him from spending one hour a day alone with the son he already has? It doesn't matter how many children one has, both parents should be involved in the parenting.

That is very right, however I don't want to be unfair, he does spend an hour - or an hour an a half - alone with our boy, he just won't take him out. That means they will interrupt me when I'm trying to unload the dishwasher, or barge in when I'm showering. My husband works really, really hard outside the house and I don't want to be ungrateful. It's just that I see him walk out every day in his suit and polished shoes, sometimes picking up coffee to go on his way to work that he can enjoy in peace, and I feel so jealous! I'm not perfect myself. My husband says he "doesn't ask for much" meaning that he doesn't complain when we eat pasta for the third time a week, or when I arrange for the dry cleaners to press his shirts and don't do it myself.

Jacqi, you are also right about a fantasy that is out of touch with reality. More children will not replace nonexistent siblings. It's strange but my husband will try to help but in ways that are not very helpful sometimes. A recent example comes to mind.

I was at the children's emergency room a month ago when my son was diagnosed with pneumonia. It was packed, the boy was exhausted and really sick. I had arranged for groceries to be delivered, including some foodstuffs for the planned Christmas dinner for the three of us. I asked my husband to cancel the delivery, or reschedule. He said he would go home and wait for the groceries delivery. I was bewildered but trying to avoid yet another fight. He went home, took the groceries and cooked me a three course meal. During those three hours I changed five nappies because my boy had diarrhoea, run after him because he loved playing with the sliding doors, gave medicine, gave bottles, tried to get him to eat, tried to get him to sleep, took temperatures, took him for X-ray and to be examined, gave antibiotics etc. I could really use another pair of hands, but there were none. My husband did come to pick us up and proudly showed me the rich meal he had prepared for me, also mentioning that Gran Torino was on Tv.

I was fuming, but he thought he was being helpful. I never said anything to avoid having yet another fight.

[JulieIL]

Cristina, I want to voice my support for you again.

It may also be that DH is hearing you, but he's not really listening to you. That is, sometimes you may just need validation, not for him to "solve" the problem. You may need to hear his appreciation for your efforts, just as he does (this is truly a team effort). Or you need to direct the efforts, if only to give you some sense of control in the chaos that involves the day-to-day efforts of raising a child.

I would honestly suggest counseling, as this may end up coming up again and again.

[cristinalatina]

Originally Posted by Buzzer

Seriously. I do all of this, and them some! Right now, my 2 year old girl is sleeping, it's 5pm (she went down for a late nap), and I know I should go wake her up so she sleeps well tonight, but I just am putting it off. The quiet is sooooo nice!

I haven't read all the responses, but I found a baby group on meetup.com (I don't know if you have access to something like that), I go to the trampoline place called "Jump Street" and I call it the Mommy pickup bar. All the Mom's chat while the kids run around in plastic play houses, jumpy trampolines, and blow up trains. You walk out with phone numbers. Go to library story times. Let him play with the toys afterwards. My DH works a full time job and started a business when I was 6 months pregnant, so he does his job then goes to the shop until 8, 8:30, sometimes 10 at night. I am really on my own with this girl. I love her madly, but I get burnt out, and don't think DH gets it. She's a really good girl, but it's a lot!!

I tune out a lot, use my phone, get headphones and listen to podcasts or the radio... Don't feel guilty about your parenting. I call it "sometimes just surviving". The TV is a good babysitter.

Oh, and a mommy friend of mine made us some "cloud dough" which is 8 cups flour and 1 cup baby oil, and I got a plastic under the bed storage container that I put 2 batches in, and LB will play in it for an hour. Or just put rice in a bin. It makes a mess, but cleans up easy with a broom or vacuum. Anything I can do to keep her busy is awesome with me. Trust me, you have nothing to feel guilty about... everything you said is stuff I have done, my sisters have done, and my Mom confessed she did with us!! you aren't permanently damaging him. Do you remember much about being under about 4 or 5? Me either.

I figure she has learned how to use technology earlier so it'll be easier for her later on in life. I've yelled over stupid things, and felt bad. She recovers, and is no worse off.

Seriously. Lay off yourself. Relax. I wish I would have learned that lesson sooner! I was the stressed out Mom for the first about 2 years of her life, feeling like I was failing. Now, if we lay in bed all morning with her watching cartoons on the iPad and I play on my phone, and we don't change out of our jammies, I call us occupied.

Hugs girl!! you are doing FINE.

ETA to add: I was gonna be the Mom that cooked from scratch, her kid didn't eat cereal, I ate paleo and she was going to also... none of that happened. I fought with myself more than I fought with anyone else about how to raise her!!! If your husband offered a Nanny, do it. Even a day or two. I wish we could do that! DH tries to be home on Monday evening to give me an evening off, but usually it ends up being just a few hours. It's frustrating going from having lots of time to yourself to none. Now that she's 2 1/2, it's getting easier, but dang, I can totally relate to your frustration!! Huge Hugs!!

Hahahahaha I just saw your post closely, I just thought you had quoted me! I almost rolled off the chair laughing! Thanks for the much needed humour and great suggestions, I'll try your homemade play dough!

[Lauracat]

Christina, I'm a complete stranger, but your posts are making me increasingly sad, and I wonder if you're aware of the picture you're painting of your husband. Does he never listen to you, take you seriously, or show you respect? Does he always get his way? Is he completely cold to your suffering? Because that's how he sounds to me, and I agree with those recommending counseling.

[alisoncooks]

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