OT: Childless by Choice quotes

[DHKWriter]

Hi -- My new play, SEEDS, opens March 1, and the theater puts together a show-specific insert for the program to help theatergoers better understand and appreciate the play. This play is about identical twin sisters--one who loves and adores children and one who doesn't want them. A big part of the thematic position is that women who opt out of motherhood are stigmatized. For the insert, the literary manager would like to include some quotes from women who have experienced this. I know this is personal and all quotes can be anonymous. You can even email them to me from an anonymous email if you'd like (although many of you on VF have anonymous names already). If you've got thoughts that you'd like to share, I and Road Less Traveled Theatre would really appreciate it.

You can PM me or email me at donna@donnahoke.com.

Thanks!
Donna Hoke

[tifftaffy]

I don't have a quote to offer... but this thread is of particular importance to me, as I- who have chosen NOT to have children, constantly get the phrase "Oh, when you get older, you'll want to have kids" (as if I'm stupid or immature) or "You better have kids soon, or you'll lose out on the joy they'll bring you" (as if not having children was making me unhappy).

These are still said to me (other comments that don't come to mind and variations of the two above), and I'm 36 years old, happily married to man who feels the same way. I have seen what having children do to parents, couples, etc. I work at a courthouse and have seen family law cases, juvenile delinquency/dependency cases, child support and custody battles, probate and conservatorship cases.

I always think back to those quotes above... and think what "joy" I am missing and wonder at what age I'll "want" to have kids.

[DHKWriter]

Originally Posted by tifftaffy

I don't have a quote to offer... but this thread is of particular importance to me, as I- who have chosen NOT to have children, constantly get the phrase "Oh, when you get older, you'll want to have kids" (as if I'm stupid or immature) or "You better have kids soon, or you'll lose out on the joy they'll bring you" (as if not having children was making me unhappy).

These are still said to me (other comments that don't come to mind and variations of the two above), and I'm 36 years old, happily married to man who feels the same way. I have seen what having children do to parents, couples, etc. I work at a courthouse and have seen family law cases, juvenile delinquency/dependency cases, child support and custody battles, probate and conservatorship cases.

I always think back to those quotes above... and think what "joy" I am missing and wonder at what age I'll "want" to have kids.

This is exactly what I'm looking for. Can we use this?

Donna

[amoodygirl]

My husband and I are childless by choice. I love children and am the favorite aunt. My husband, not so much. When we decided to get married over 28 years ago, we agreed that unless we were both in agreement 100% to have children, neither would push or force the other. Now, at 55 and 57, we don't have any regrets. It's a tough world and having children is a lifelong commitment. Those who do it well get my support and admiration. Unfortunately, there are too many that don't do it well.

I got SO MUCH grief from my nasty mother-in-law. Some of her quotes:

"You did not fulfill your obligation to me by having children." - really?
"Your love of animals has made you anti-child." - I'm not making this stuff up.
"I look at you and Gerry and see a dead-end." Nice visual.

My own mother always told me it was our choice. At least I had her support. Donna, if any of this is helpful, feel free to use it.

Diane

[Eibhinn]

While I tend toward "never saying never" about most things I'm constantly irritated by people's reaction when I tell them I'll probably never have kids.

It's particularly frustrating that comments about how "it's the most important thing you'll ever do" and "you'll change your mind eventually - hopefully not before it's too late" seem to only ever be directed at women. I resent the idea that, as a woman, the only thing I have to contribute to the world is my genetic material and maternal care. My intellect and skills are in no way diminished by the fact that I have ovaries, and it's appalling that because I'm a woman people feel they have the right to dictate which of my gifts and abilities I should be able to develop. I appreciate the sacrifices and hard work that motherhood requires, but I don't think that the choice to have children is any more or less valid than the choice not to.

</rant> - and thanks for the opportunity to vent. If any of that gibberish is of use, feel free.

[lila_says]

Originally Posted by amoodygirl

I got SO MUCH grief from my nasty mother-in-law. Some of her quotes:

"You did not fulfill your obligation to me by having children." - really?
"Your love of animals has made you anti-child." - I'm not making this stuff up.
"I look at you and Gerry and see a dead-end." Nice visual.

Diane

Wow Diane, I had to laugh out loud & shake my head in disbelief at those quotes. I'm hoping your m-i-l's outlook can at least partly attributed to being 'of her time'. Just stunning....

[A-Bot]

Originally Posted by amoodygirl

I got SO MUCH grief from my nasty mother-in-law. Some of her quotes:

"You did not fulfill your obligation to me by having children." - really?
"Your love of animals has made you anti-child." - I'm not making this stuff up.
"I look at you and Gerry and see a dead-end." Nice visual.

Wow - those quotes are SO hurtful. SO HURTFUL. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. (your comments after them are kinnda hilarious though).

I am sorry we all do - I too am childless by choice and can relate.

[suegy3]

Originally Posted by lila_says

Wow Diane, I had to laugh out loud & shake my head in disbelief at those quotes. I'm hoping your m-i-l's outlook can at least partly attributed to being 'of her time'. Just stunning....

I am shocked too! Those comments from you mil are unbelievable and so rude!

[cpcathy]

DH and I don't have children, it was a choice I had to make when my doctor warned against being pregnant (I have RA), so it's been difficult. I've made the most of it though. One of my (now ex) friends always ended every sentence with "that's what happens when you have kids!"

One of my favorite sayings, though (from myself!) is: "you don't have to send a cat to college!"

[Tiny]

I am another who chooses not to have kids. Thankfully I have found someone who doesn't want kids either. I haven't had any negative responses from friends or family because they know me. My older brother got all of the "patience for kids" genes; he could have 10 kids and it wouldn't phase him. I got all the "patience for old people" genes and I am so thankful for that.

For the people who don't know a thing about me and hear that I choose not to have kids I get the "look", like "what do you mean you don't want kids?" Well, I know I don't have the patience for kids and I don't want the responsibility of raising a child. So, I am not having kids. My life isn't less full because of my choice. They seem to accept that response and say "well, at least you're honest about it".