Off-Topic OT (sort of?) - Overweight SO

[adawn]

I feel bad that anyone would feel sick looking at another person because of their appearance or body. (The OP didn't say this but one of the replies did.)

[WWWendy]

Originally Posted by alisoncooks

Weight (and health and body image and the lot) are such a complex interweaving of mental, physical and emotional issues.

also...

We can never have too much grace and compassion for others who may be struggling, whether it's for Terri or Terri's DH....so best wishes, OP. I hope you find the answers you need.

Wise words from Alison here. Please everyone, try to be sensitive and choose your words carefully. Many of our own community members struggle with weight and/or body image, and we all have struggles whether they are weight related or not. Take the time to be kind.

[yogapam]

Originally Posted by adawn

I feel bad that anyone would feel sick looking at another person because of their appearance or body. (The OP didn't say this but one of the replies did.)

Yes agree. I tried to ignore that remark, it was uncalled for and hurtful.

[cristinalatina]

Yes, please do the man a favour and leave him. No one deserves what you are feeling for your spouse of 17 years (non acceptance, or conditional acceptance, disgust etc). I wish you an active and fit retirement as it is definitely a priority for you so go for it and pursue it instead of staying in a situation that doesn't suit you.

[Jeanne Marie]

Lots of good, compassionate answers. VF certainly is a great place for advice. Thanks everyone!

I have never struggled with obesity, nor has anyone close to me, but I can tell you that my late DH struggled with addiction. He was a recovering alcoholic, sober 17 years when he died. He also smoked his entire life. He died of heart/vascular disease, no doubt exacerbated by his smoking and drinking earlier in life. I did separate from him years ago over the drinking, and he found AA and lived the rest of his life sober, helping others stay sober. I couldn't have been prouder. Our marriage was stronger after we weathered that storm. The smoking... he never could kick that. We couldn't have been more different in that regard. I never put a cigarette to my lips in my entire life. Yet we loved each other. I will forever wish he could have stopped the smoking.

My thoughts... the eating isn't necessarily just a choice for him. It is most certainly an addiction that he needs help with. If you are wiling to stick around and help him get help, then stay with him. If you are not willing, it might be best for both of you to go your separate ways.

I wish you good luck. You don't have an easy decision ahead of you.

[donnamp]

Jeanne Marie and Pam - I think you both hit the nail on the head - sometimes overeating is an addiction just like any other and it is just as destructive to health and to relationships as alcohol, drug abuse, compulsive gambling, etc.

Alison said that no one would choose to be overweight/obese and I believe that is true - just the way no one would chose alcoholism or drug addiction.

It is definitely a tough situation.

I think if you are both willing to work on this issue - then maybe some sort of counseling is in order - both for him to determine what the underlying reasons are for his overeating and for you with learning how to deal with it - and also for both of you as a couple to come to terms about what you both want from the future.

I wonder if he would be willing to try something like Over eaters anonymous and I wonder if there is some sort of related support groups for spouses/family of overeaters.

((HUGS)) to you - it is not easy.

Donna

[dnna]

do the guy a favor and leave him. I am sure there is a lonely woman who would love to be with him and good luck finding a new,fit partner.

[Terry]

Do you love him or do you not?

If no, would you love him if he were thin? The only valid answer to this question IMO would have to be: No.

If you love him regardless and are over the top with frustration: My husband was a yo-yo dieter for years. He binge ate sugar frequently. He has now been amazingly successful, over three years so far, with the Naturally Slim program. It is expensive ($500) but his insurance paid for it. It is supposedly based on very slow eating of one thing at a time so that some "desire for flavor" trigger in the brain is satisfied, but my husband said it worked so well from Day 1 that he wonders if the weekly training videos have subliminal messages in them.

[Terri1222]

Wow, I should have realized that this would be a sensitive subject. Shame on me.

Again, thank you for all your comments. You all have given me something to think about, whether the words were kind or just "trying" to be kind.

One thing I have decided is to contact Overeaters Anonymous for any support group situations for me....and I'm also going to call my company's Lifeworks phone number to inquire if/what they cover for someone my husband could work with.

I do love the man - very much so - I'm just feeling lonely in my marriage because what we once had as a common core thing together is no more. I've tried to get it back other ways, suggested joining a gym together, but nothing has worked.

And that's why I reached out to all of you - thank you again for all of your input.

Terri

[Lauracat]

Originally Posted by Terri1222

To add some more background, this whole "review of my marriage" has only occurred when I finally threatened to leave him due to the emotional abuse that was going on by him. I finally said we go to counselling or we're done.

Isn't this actually the important issue here? I don't see how this can be separated out from the weight question. If you're being emotionally abused, it makes sense to me you wouldn't be supportive of him - about anything.