Off-Topic OT: Ending a relationship with a partner...over exercise habits?

[cecififi]

Hi Cowgirl,

Just based on your 3 points - I cannot explain not meeting his parents but, the other two points indicate to me that he is not a great communicator. Instead of being vulnerable and saying I miss spending time with you and would like to see you more - he makes his I love you's conditional upon time spent together - which, no doubt, gets your back up and maybe leaves you feeling confused and misunderstood.

Instead of sharing how training for a marathon leaves him feeling directly e.g. alone, abandoned, second best (note, feelings are not facts - this is just how he interprets your activities that take you away from him), he attacks and calls you obsessed. My hunch is that this is not about exercise but, rather, about attachment needs and being able to communicate them in a supportive and caring way. That's hard to do if one is not even aware of their attachment needs. So, situations like this can leave the other partner feeling all sorts of things like frustrated, misunderstood, blamed, attacked etc.. Your needs in this area are not getting met and neither are his.

that's my two cents. I love my exercise and, if that's a deal breaker for someone then I know something deeper is going on and they just aren't understanding my needs because they are so focused on their own. We both need to understand and support one another as best we can in order for a relationship to flourish. He is using blame (thinking error) and putting it all on you when many things are intersecting here to create a larger problem between the two of you e.g. ineffective communication, lack of real vulnerability on his part, his own attachment issues, other relationship stressors etc.

did the two of you ever consider just talking to a therapist for a couple of sessions to iron this out?

Big hugs to you. Breaking up is hard to do. Sorry you are going through this.

[leigh1673]

Originally Posted by Cowgirl32

This is a little off topic... kind of...

I just decided to end a two year relationship with my old SO. Over a two year span, dated for a year.. took a couple of months off.. got back together over the last year.

1. I've never met his parents- they live on the west coast, we're on the east coast.
2. He said he would say "I love you" more if I called him more and spent more time with him during the week versus working out.
3. Last straw- I want to train for a marathon and he said my 'obsession' was becoming a real deal breaker.

I decided to call it quits. Please tell me I did the right thing? - someone who cares about you should want you to take care of yourself.

From what you've told us, you definitely did the right thing. He sounds like a selfish arse.

[Wanda]

Originally Posted by susan p

You didn't break it off because of your exercise habits. If you were a reader, it would've been your reading habits. If you volunteered at an animal clinic, it would've been about your volunteer time. It would've been about something, because he seems to want more exclusive access to your time than you are willing to give. Probably more than is really healthy for an ongoing relationship.

I agree that if it wasn't exercise it would be something else. Based on my own experiences, I saw this as 'control' instead of just wanting more access to your time.

[Demeris]

Originally Posted by bubbles76

Your SO seems either (1) clingy and needy (2) jealous that you are doing something good for yourself (3) wants to do something good for themself but doesn't so berates you for it (4) controlling.

I agree with this completely. To controlling, I'd add petulant and whiny.

Ask yourself, how would I deal this attitude/behavior ten or 20 years down the line?

[monterey vidiot]

Originally Posted by Kitten

Oh, honey.

I logged in just to tell you, I see red flags everywhere.

Not meeting his parents.

His "I love you" being conditional.

Calling training an "obsession"

You dodged a bullet. You made the right decision.

This, exactly.

[kittybug]

Originally Posted by Cowgirl32

This is a little off topic... kind of...

I just decided to end a two year relationship with my old SO. Over a two year span, dated for a year.. took a couple of months off.. got back together over the last year.

1. I've never met his parents- they live on the west coast, we're on the east coast.
2. He said he would say "I love you" more if I called him more and spent more time with him during the week versus working out.
3. Last straw- I want to train for a marathon and he said my 'obsession' was becoming a real deal breaker.

I decided to call it quits. Please tell me I did the right thing? - someone who cares about you should want you to take care of yourself.

This actually makes me kind of mad, especially the "deal breaker" bit. The parents, okay, I can see the issue of travel making not having met them a somewhat reasonable thing, but everything else just screams manipulation and control.

Sorry you're going through this but I'll add my voice to those who feel you did the right thing. Hope you do train for your marathon!

[cataddict]

If he really used the term "deal breaker" concerning your training regimen, then that would be enough for me to take a step away from this relationship. That and the 2nd point about his conditional "love" based on you not working out are both not acceptable in my world. My DH understands my dedication to fitness, and has never had an issue with my working out although fortunately my schedule right now is such that it doesn't really conflict with our time together. He has NEVER suggested or insisted that I should spend my workout time with him instead of Cathe (or whoever ) and I know he's proud of me. It could be as someone suggested that it's not about you at all, but about his own insecurities, but he sounds like he is trying to control you by controlling what you like to do. An ultimatum is not good idea in a successful relationship.

I actually do get the not meeting his parents if you live on a different coast and if you aren't "engaged," but in light of the other points it's minor. I think you did the right thing. I take it you have already broken it off. Best of luck to you!

ETA: sometimes I think our inner radar senses something isn't right about a relationship. So even if he isn't a "bad guy" and just isn't communicating well, if you feel that he is asking you to choose between him and something important in your life then it could very well be that the relationship isn't right for you.

[Gams]

I guess I'm the only one that doesn't think he necessarily sounds so bad. Like kittybug said, living on opposite sides of the country would make it more difficult to meet his parents. And how much time DO you spend exercising and training? I currently leave the house at 6:30 a.m. and get home around 7:30 p.m. If I added an hour or more of exercise onto that, it would make for a very long day. Maybe you are not spending as much time together as he'd like - that doesn't necessarily make him a bad guy. But it doesn't really matter, anyway. if you are not happy and don't feel this relationship is right for you - for whatever reason, then parting ways and allowing each of you to find someone better suited is probably for the best.

[Scorpio6]

If he was the right man for you, he would be supportive and proud of you training for a marathon, and would probably brag about it to his friends and co-workers.

[videofit]

A male friend who biked and hiked ended his relationship with a woman who was a couch potato. This isn't exclusive to one sex. Boils down to different conflicting interests and lifestyles.

I stopped dating a guy because his idea of a good time was eating out and drinking. The closest thing to exercise was sitting at an outdoor cafe watching other people walk by. I didn't mind doing that but not every freakin' time.