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Old 10-04-20, 03:52 PM  
susan p
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Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Kansas City
How soon is too soon?

VFers, help a girl out here.

How soon is too soon to expect yourself to "get back on track" after a traumatic event in your life?


My mom shot herself in the head on September 8. It was very unexpected and very traumatic. I am still reeling in many ways, wondering around in circles about what could've been different and what difference various things could've made... It is just very raw.

Before the event, I was doing really well with workouts and also eating well....

Since, that has all fallen apart. Haven't done a workout of any sort in almost a month. Super over-eating on sugary things. Then salty. Then sugary. Just seeking COMFORT with my mouth which we all know doesn't work.

My birthday is October 2, which corresponds with the last quarter of the year, and I have a long-lived habit of reevaluating and recommitting on that date, sort of like a second new year for me. I make new years resolutions TWICE a year, one January 1 and again on my birthday. My birthday resolutions are often sort of a corrective, returning to Jan 1 resolutions that have faded, or ditching what hasn't worked to try to redeem the end of the year. "Ending Strong" has been a theme more than once (a strength-heavy rotation for Oct-Dec.)

This year, I'm feeling like it's time to be getting my head back together!

But I'm not sure that's realistic. I am aware that I bury emotions... and I wonder if, by expecting myself to "get back on the wagon" if that's not exactly what I'm doing?

I do want to start to feel better again... and toward that goal I just ate a lovely handful of raw kohlrabi slices instead of a donut. I want to nourish myself, not rush myself back to normalcy as I have an unfortunate history of doing.

So is it too soon to expect to get back to a workout routine? Part of me says yes, don't be ridiculous.... part of me says no, getting back to better habits will probably help.

Would appreciate any input. Thank you so much in advance.
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Old 10-04-20, 04:01 PM  
Join Date: Sep 2016
First of all I want to say I am so sorry! I really can only say if you need to talk please PM me.
I cannot only offer any advise on how long this will take for you get over or when you will feel okay. My only advise is - Please do not beat yourself up for taking as long as you need. You will know when it is time to get back into your routine.
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Old 10-04-20, 04:02 PM  
Erica H.
Join Date: Nov 2001
Oh, Susan, big big hugs to you. I am so sorry. My friend's dad also died by suicide this way.

There is no timeline for grief and pain. Take care of yourself the best you can and do what feels right for your mind and body. If you feel like working out is a good thing for you right now, then go ahead and start and then reevaluate.

Thinking of you and your family. Again, I am very sorry.

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Old 10-04-20, 04:02 PM  
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Arizona
I'm so sorry. What a terrible tragedy, and then compounded with your grief is all of the what ifs. Sending prayers your way for you and your family.

I don't have a similar experience, my mother died of natural causes when she was 86, and we weren't very close. However, I did lose a pet in an accident, and I blamed myself. I read that we blame ourselves as a way to have control, but life is out of our control many times. I think that was the part I struggled with the most, that I don't have the power to completely protect everyone that I love in my life. Be kind to yourself and take it easy. Hugs.
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Old 10-04-20, 04:04 PM  
Join Date: Feb 2002
First off, I am sorry for your loss and the tragedy of what you are going thru and what your mother must have been going thru. Grief has many stages and everyone goes thru them and handles them in their own way, in their own terms. It may be helpful to seek some professional therapy along the way. Many therapists are doing this via telehealth.

Since I have never gone thru anything you are going thru I am no expert but I can offer some advice which may or may not be the "right thing". I think simplifying things to the bare bones and not letting a date (such as a bday) dictate anything now or in the near future may be the way to go. Change your goal or "plan" to taking life one day at a time and letting yourself grieve. Go with what feels right that day whether it be yoga, walking, crying or doing absolutely nothing. It sounds counterintuitive but committing to NOT committing may take some of that additional stress away and your body will let you know daily what it needs.

I have a friend who is very active in this organization and it has been very helpful.

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Old 10-04-20, 04:15 PM  
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Low Key City, State of Fierce
I am so very sorry ... I second seeking some therapy to help you process and setting some mini goals.

Prayers for you and your family...sending you so many {{ hugs }}
Linda-- (Watulan Bell Mistress, a.k.a. Queen Modify, and proud member of the Watula Fan Club

Don't just work hard, work smart....Pat Head Summitt

Never give up on your body!-- Miranda Esmonde-White

Word for 2021: Resilience
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Old 10-04-20, 04:26 PM  
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In the woods near a river
Susan, I'm very sorry for your loss. Take care.

Trust no one. - X-Files, and me.

Comfort food only provides comfort while it's in your mouth. - Me
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Old 10-04-20, 04:53 PM  
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Spanaway, WA
So very, very sorry to hear about your loss. Wow, that is such a tremendous shock and loss to have to deal with. I donít think there is a right or wrong way to grieve necessarily (baring medicating yourself with illegal substances or alcohol or other destructive behavior, of course). If you feel like working out and it helps you deal with your mental and emotional feelings, you should certainly do that. You shouldnít feel guilty about doing something that makes you feel better. Making yourself feel better and healthier doesnít lessen the amount of love you had for your mom or the extreme sadness you feel at losing her.
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Old 10-04-20, 04:54 PM  
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: NY
Oh Susan, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I was very close to my husband's aunt (mother-in-law's sister) and she took her own life the same way. It was devastating.

I wish I had words that could ease the pain but know there are so many of us here sending you hugs and support.
ďIt is better to travel well than to arrive.Ē Buddha

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Old 10-04-20, 05:22 PM  
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Eastern Oklahoma
I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you must be going through during this difficult time.

I agree with Tugger: take it a day at a time. I would imagine that your feelings are still pretty raw and I think that is to be expected. Try to get yourself back on track, but donít push too hard. There will be good days and bad days. Feel good about doing well on the good days, but donít beat yourself up on days that you donít do so well. Eventually the good days will outnumber the bad.
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grief, healing after loss, loss, suicide

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