Fit-Shaming?

[Demeris]

Originally Posted by LAC

This came up for me recently when I ran into a former co-worker. When we worked together, she was very heavy and probably clinically morbidly obese. She had surgery and lost a significant amount of weight. She then went through a stressful period in her life and gained the weight back. About 10 months ago she retired and I hadn't seen her again until just last week. It was quite obvious that over that 10 month period she has lost a significant amount of weight again. And this is the conversation I was having in my head while chatting with her: Should I say she looks great (which would imply she didn't look great before and would be pretty rude) or should I ignore the weight loss and not say anything (which also felt rude since I'm sure it wasn't an easy task). I settled on saying it looks like you've been working hard during retirement. She kind of laughed and made a comment about spending time helping out with a new grandbaby and doing a lot of walking. And when our conversation was over I was still wondering what is the correct thing to do in this kind of a situation and hoping I had made the right choice.

I've had this experience a number of times. If someone has been sick, the last thing I want to do is congratulate her on losing weight. I also don't want to offend anyone who's lost weight by suggesting she weren't attractive before.

[tangerine]

Originally Posted by Demeris

I've had this experience a number of times. If someone has been sick, the last thing I want to do is congratulate her on losing weight. I also don't want to offend anyone who's lost weight by suggesting she weren't attractive before.

I try to treat it as it is not my place to comment on anyone else's body, good or bad. Their body is their own and they choose what they want to do with it, it has nothing to do with me. Their bodies are not here to 'decorate' my world in any way either being too skinny or overweight or WHATEVER - they belong to the 'owner' of the body alone and they don't hurt me in any way by existing.

This is hard in a culture which trains us to comment on other women's bodies constantly, either positively or negatively.

Celebrities may be a bit different because they send messages to society so people tend to take it more 'personally'.

[adawn]

Originally Posted by tangerine

I try to treat it as it is not my place to comment on anyone else's body, good or bad. Their body is their own and they choose what they want to do with it, it has nothing to do with me. Their bodies are not here to 'decorate' my world in any way either being too skinny or overweight or WHATEVER - they belong to the 'owner' of the body alone and they don't hurt me in any way by existing.

I like how you articulated this.

I've felt a bit uncomfortable in the past on the rare occasion when someone has asked me if I've noticed their (intentional) weight loss. I strongly prefer people don't say anything about my own body (whether "too thin", "too big", or "just right"), so I try to focus on the person vs. "the body" as much as humanly possible when it comes to other people.

That said, I'm still my own harshest critic and admit I am not so good at applying this philosophy when it comes to my own self and body. I let myself get the two tangled up too frequently in my mind (my self and my body). Or maybe I just need to merge the two in a more healthy way.

[Nuggie's Auntie]

Originally Posted by adawn

I've felt a bit uncomfortable in the past on the rare occasion when someone has asked me if I've noticed their (intentional) weight loss. I strongly prefer people don't say anything about my own body (whether "too thin", "too big", or "just right"), so I try to focus on the person vs. "the body" as much as humanly possible when it comes to other people.

Yes, I feel the same way. I hate feeling like I'm being 'assessed' and don't want others to feel that way, either.

[prettyinpink]

Oh gosh, yes. I wish people would keep all weight comments to themselves. I feel like it’s okay to say “you look great!” to someone I haven’t seen in a long time, because I have said that regardless of weight, and it’s not really a comment on weight. But maybe some might feel that it is, if they have lost weight?
I will have to be more careful.

I have always been a normal weight, so I have felt really confused sometimes when someone tells me I look like I have lost (or gained ) weight. I haven't always known if a “lose weight” comment is even a compliment; sometimes it does not sound like it. Either way I don’t appreciate it, because really? they are looking at me that closely that they can see whether I am up or down five pounds? It’s so uncomfortable.

[tangerine]

Originally Posted by prettyinpink

Oh gosh, yes. I wish people would keep all weight comments to themselves. I feel like it’s okay to say “you look great!” to someone I haven’t seen in a long time, because I have said that regardless of weight, and it’s not really a comment on weight. But maybe some might feel that it is, if they have lost weight?
I will have to be more careful.

If you want an alternative, you could try "You're looking well" - someone said that to me once, I liked it a lot and think it's seriously underused.

adawn, but that's your body, you can do whatever you want with it, if you think it needs to look a certain way, that's your choice so IMO it's fine. It's commenting on how other people's bodies should look (especially under the guise of 'caring' about them) that bothers me. Maybe someone WANTS to be a little "extra slim", or a little "extra curvy" or whatever, their body their choice. How is their body hurting me? Now if someone is judging me, then I'm more likely to judge them - so maybe a little less judgement all around is good!

[Terry]

Originally Posted by tangerine

If you want an alternative, you could try "You're looking well" - someone said that to me once, I liked it a lot and think it's seriously underused.

Love! It seems to me that I've mostly heard this in Hollywood scripts. I should have picked it up then, but I certainly will now.

[dianestjohn]

I thought of this thread just now because I'm listening to an Audible book - the protagonist has just met someone new, and she comments "Even though he was very thin, he appeared healthy." I think if it was a woman she was meeting the comment might be something like "Even though she was not very thin, she appeared healthy"

[CoolGirlinFl888]

That song, all about that bass, makes fun of thinner women. Someone made a parody song saying the opposite, talking badly about bigger women and they were panned and booed. It's always been that way. It's like you can talk bad about thin or skinny and even in shape women but don't you DARE say anything bad about big women. It seems fat is in now and plus sized women are now the It girls. I have always thought it was wrong that you can talk about skinny women but not big girls. It has been that way since I was a young child.

[dianestjohn]

I sorta remember that song - I am guessing the line you’re referring to is “I’m bringing booty back; go on and tell them skinny b*****s that..” But I think that line was referring to the series of Skinny B***h cookbooks that were created and published in the mid 2000s as how-to guides to being thin and seemed to sorta make the point that everyone would want to be a skinny b****h and they could be if only they would eat better, exercise more and drink Bethany Frankel’s SkinnyGirl margaritas or whatever So to me that line is just a play on those books and not an insult to thinner women. Are there other parts of that song that are insulting to thin women? I totally agree, it is as bad to say mean things about being thinner as it is to say mean things about being fatter.